Marriage 婚姻，Men/Women 男女

MARRIAGE 婚姻
丈夫：每次我打你，你從不還手，你是怎樣處理你忿怒的情緒呢?
妻子：我去清洗廁所抽水馬捅上的坐墊圈
丈夫：這樣做如何幫你發洩情緒的呢
妻子：我用丈夫的牙刷來當作刷洗工具

Husband: every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: how does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!
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太太早上起床後告訴先生說， 「我夢見你送給我一條珍珠項鍊作為情人節的禮物，你認為這代表什麼呢？」
先生回答，說，「今天晚上你就會知道。」
當天晚上先生回到家時帶給太太一包東西，太太很高興地打開、卻發現是一本書，書名是：如何解夢。

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?”

“You'll know tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled, “The meaning of dreams”
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一個小女孩問她的媽媽說：人類是如何產生的?
媽媽回答說：上帝先創造了亞當和夏娃，之後他們生了孩子，這就是人類的起源。
兩天後這小女孩用同樣的問題問她的爸爸，她爸爸回答說：很多年以前，人類是從猴子進化來的。
滿臉疑惑的小女孩又回去問她的媽媽說：媽，你告訴我說人類是上帝創造的，而爸爸卻說人類是從猴子進化來的，到底哪一個說法可能是真的呢?
媽媽回答說：來，寶貝女兒，這道理很簡單，媽媽所說的是關於我家這邊的說法，而爸爸告訴你的是關於他自己的說法。

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
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A man goes hiking. he gets tired after a while and finds a cave to rest in he sees a shining light at the end of the tunnel its a magic lamp he rubs it and a genie pops out.
The genie says, “I will give you three wishes but there's a catch, everything you wish for your wife gets double.”
So the man says okay.
First he wishes for a convertible, the genie says, “OK your wife gets double.”
Then he wishes for a million dollars, the genie says, “OK your wife gets double.”
Then his last wish is, “Beat me half to death.”
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在馬和馬車天，一名男子駕駛他的妻子沿著危險的道路。在一個非常狹窄的地方，妻子就害怕，搶過韁繩最接近她。她的丈夫悄悄地從她身邊經過的其他權力，可以放手。然後，比以往任何時候更害怕她說，“哦，你不放手！“他回答，“兩個人不能駕駛同一個馬，要么我必須開車或必須這麼做。“接著，她給了他和他的韁繩過去開車安全的危險。

In the horse and buggy days, a man was driving with his wife along a dangerous road. At a very narrow place the wife became frightened and seized the rein nearest to her. Her husband quietly passed her the other rein and let go. Then more frightened than ever she said, “Oh, don't you let go!” He answered, “Two people cannot drive one and the same horse; either I must drive or you must.” Then she gave him the reins and he drove safely past the danger. (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 388)
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Divorce takes health toll that remarriage can't heal, study says
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/07/28/divorce.marriage.health/index.html
By Madison Park CNN

(CNN) -- Divorce causes more than bitterness and broken hearts. The trauma of a split can leave long-lasting effects on mental and physical health that remarriage might not repair, according to research released this week.

People who lose a marriage take such damage to their health, said Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago in Illinois.

Waite and co-author Mary Elizabeth Hughes, of Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, found that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people. They also have 23 percent more mobility limitations, such as trouble climbing stairs or walking a block.

Their article, published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, examined the marital history and health indicators for 8,652 middle-aged people in research funded by the National Institute on Aging. The authors found differences between the overall health of those who remain married and those who divorce.

Almost half of all U.S. marriages end in divorce, according to the National Institutes of Health.

Mark Hayward, director of the Population Research Center and a professor of sociology Fellow at the University of Texas at Austin, said spouses check up on each other's needs. They remind each other about when to go see a doctor, a dentist or when to get a medical issue checked out.

You're making decisions together about your lifestyle and investing in a future together, said Hayward, who was not involved in the latest research. But in a similar study, he found that divorce has a lasting impact on cardiovascular diseases, even after remarriage. His 2006 study, funded by the National Institute on Aging, found that divorced middle-aged women were 60 percent more likely to have cardiovascular disease than middle-aged women who remain married. (Excerpt)
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「你想和愛麗絲結婚，對吧？」 這名少女的父親問她的男朋友。 「非常想」年輕人回答。 「你能扶持一個家庭嗎？」 這個年輕人想了一會兒，然後問：「有幾個你會在那個家庭，先生？」

“So you want to marry Alice, do you?” asked the girl’s father of her young man.

“Very much indeed,” replied the youth.

“Can you support a family?”

The young man reflected a moment, and then asked, “How many are there of you, sir?” (More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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The lady bather had got into a hole and she couldn’t swim. Nor could the young man on the end of the pier; but when she came up for the first time and he caught sight of her face, he could shriek, and he did. He shrieked:

“Help!”

A burly fisherman sauntered to his side.

“Wot’s up?” he asked.

“There!” hoarsely cried the young man. “My wife! Drowning! I can’t swim! A hundred dollars for you if you can save her.”

In a moment the burly fisherman was in the sea. In another he was out of it, with the rescued lady bather. Thanking his lucky stars, he approached the young man again.

“Well, what about the hundred bones?” he asked.

But if the young man’s face had been ashen gray before, now it was dead white, as he gazed upon the features of the recovered dame.

“Y-e-s, I know!” he gasped. “But when I made the offer I thought it was my wife who was drowning; and now now it turns out it was my wife’s mother!”

The burly fisherman pulled a long face. “Just my luck!” he muttered, thrusting his hand into his trousers pocket. “How much do I owe you?” (More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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老師 「在聖經中哪裡教導我們一個人應該只有一個妻子？」小男孩 「我猜想它應該是指沒有人可以侍候專一的主人後再侍候更多的意思。」

TEACHER “In what part of the Bible is it taught that a man should have only one wife?”

LITTLE BOY “I guess it’s the part that says that no man can serve more than one master.” (More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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「爸，我想要结婚，感覺是如何？」 「你曾經當過一次守衛，對不對？」 「是的」 「你有擔任過巡夜員的角色，是不是？」「你當過看管員一段時間，對不對？」「是的」 「嗯，它就像結合這三種工作並且多一些」

“I’m thinking of getting married, pa. What’s it like?”

“You had a job as janitor once, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“And you had a position as watchman once, didn’t you?”

“And you worked a while as a caretaker, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it’s a combination of all three jobs and then some.”
(More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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美麗的年輕婦人去問算命先生一般人常問的問題。 「女士」算命先生說：「你將造訪外國，在宮廷的國王和皇后中。你將贏過所有的對手，嫁給你所選的人。他很高大黝黑且具有貴族的氣息。」
「年輕？」這位女士打斷算命先生的話。 「是的，並且非常豐有」 美麗的夫人抓住算命先生的手，壓的很緊。 「謝謝你」 她說：「现在再多告訴我一件事，我該如何擺脫我現在的丈夫 ? 」

The beautiful young woman interviewed a fortune-teller on the usual subjects.

“Lady,” said the clairvoyant, “you will visit foreign lands, and the courts of kings and queens. You will conquer all rivals and marry the man of your choice. He will be tall and dark and aristocratic looking.”

“And young?” interrupted the lady.

“Yes, and very rich.”

The beautiful lady grasped the fortune teller’s hands and pressed them hard.

“Thank you,” she said. “Now tell me one thing more. How shall I get rid of my present husband?” (More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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法官：考慮你是這個犯人的妻子，在這種情況下，你想你能夠勝任執行陪審團員的職務嗎?
女士回答說：法官閤下，假如你只給我一次機會的話，我想我將說服其他十一位陪審團委員相信他是有罪的

THE COURT “Considering that you are the wife of the prisoner, do you think you are qualified to act as a juror in this case?”

THE LADY “Well, your honor, if you will only give me a chance, I think I can convince the eleven other jurors that he’s guilty.” (More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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劉健夫人向布朗夫人說：「對了，你剛結婚的女兒過得好嗎，布朗夫人？」

布朗夫人回答：「哦，很好，謝謝你，夫人。她發現她的丈夫有點沉悶，但後來，我告訴她，有沉悶是正常。」

MRS. BLANK (to laundress) “And how is your newly married daughter getting on, Mrs. Brown?”

MRS. BROWN “Oh, nicely, thank you, ma’am. She finds her husband a bit dull; but then, as I tells her, the good ones are dull.” (More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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Evelyn是非常膽小的，她的爸爸決定和他小女兒做一次重要的交談
Evelyn用相當於爸爸訓誡的語氣說：爸爸，當你看見一頭牛，你不害怕嗎?
爸爸回答説：Evelyn，當然不會呀
當你看見一隻大黃蜂，你不害怕嗎?
爸爸用輕蔑的語氣回答説：不會
當大黃蜂攻擊你，你不害怕嗎?
爸爸大笑回答説：不會，孩子別傻了
Evelyn很嚴肅地說：爸爸，世界上你只怕媽媽吧?

Evelyn is very cowardly, and her father decided to have a serious talk with his little daughter.

“Father,” she said at the close of his lecture, “when you see a cow, ain’t you ‘fraid?”

“No, certainly not, Evelyn.”

“When you see a bumblebee, ain’t you ‘fraid?”

“No!” with scorn.

“Ain’t you ‘fraid when it thunders?”

“No,” with laughter. “Oh, you silly, silly child!”

“Papa,” said Evelyn, solemnly, “ain’t you ‘fraid of nothing in the world but mama?”
(More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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兩個老朋友在聊天。
一個問：「你老公怎麼樣啊？」
她回答說：「喔，他真是個天使！」
另一個說：「妳真幸運！我的老公到現在還活著！」

Two old friends were talking. “How's your husband?” said one. “Oh, he's an angel,” she replied. “You're lucky,” said the other, “Mine's still alive.”
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一對夫妻坐在車上許久都不開口，因為兩個人剛剛吵了一架，誰也不肯讓步。

忽然車子經過一個農場，裡面有許多動物，像：驢子、山羊、豬等等…太太挖苦地問先生：「這些都是你的親戚嗎？」

先生回答：「當然啦，都是姻親！」

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the husband replied, “in-laws.”
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米奇的妻子買了一系列新的昂贵的化妝品保證讓她看起來年輕幾歲。 待她花了一段時間座在鏡子前塗抹 “神奇” 產品後，她問：「親愛的，你要坦白地說，我看起來幾歲？」他先生仔細看了一下，米奇回答說：「從你的皮膚來看，20歲；從你的頭髮來看， 18歲 ；從你的外表來看， 25歲。」 她內心愉悅地說「噢，你真會拍馬屁！」 「啊，等一下!」米奇打斷談話。「我還沒有把這些數字加起來」

Mickey’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am? “Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.” “Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. “Hey, wait a minute!” Mickey interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”
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有一位先生開著車、太太坐在旁邊、岳母坐在後座、這兩個女人就是不放過這個可憐的男人；岳母說你開太快了、太太說靠左邊開；如此這般地下著命令、先生終於忍不住地對著太太大聲叫著說，「到底是誰在開車？　是妳、還是妳母親？」

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won’t leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, “You’re driving too fast!” His wife says, “Stay to the left!” After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, “Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?”
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一個猶太男孩從學校回家後，興奮地告訴媽媽，他被選上在學校演出中要扮演一個角色。
媽媽說：「太好了！你要演什麼角色呢？」
男孩回答說：「是一個猶太丈夫。」
媽媽馬上皺著眉頭說：「那太糟糕了！趕快要求老師把你換一個角色，至少你得演一個有台詞的角色！」

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been
given a part in the school play. “Wonderful! What part is it?” replies his
mother. The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother
scowls “That’s terrible. Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
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一個媒人對一個窮學生說 “我有一個女孩介紹給你”
那學生回答說 “我沒有興趣。”
那媒人說 “但她真的很漂亮喎！”
“真的嗎？”那學生面上表現出有些心動
“不單漂亮，她還很富有。”
“你是認真的嗎？”
“我當然是認真的，難道我會對你說謊? 她是名門出生，她是來自一個貴族家庭”
那學生有點奇怪 “所有條件都很適合，但為何這樣好的女孩會同我結婚呢? 她一定是瘋了”
那媒人回答 “很簡單，因為她知道人生不能擁所有好的東西……”

A matchmaker corners a poor student and says, “Do I have a girl for you!”
“I’m not interested,” replies the student.
“But she’s a very beautiful girl,” says the matchmaker.
“Really?” says the student, a bit more interested now.
“Yes. And she’s also very rich.”
“Are you serious?”
“Of course I am. Would I lie to you? And she has a long line of ancestry. She comes from a very noble family.”
“It all sounds great to me,” says the student, “but why would a girl like that want to marry me? She’d have to be crazy.”
Replies the matchmaker, “Well, you can’t have everything in life!”
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我遇到一個男士，他正在找一個完美的太太，他告訴我他需要找一個漂亮的，善良的，忠誠的，及有良好靈性的女孩。最後，他找到這樣一個女子，但事情並不是如他所想像……因為她太神聖了，她根本不能與物質世界輕易拉上聯繫。再過不久，他又找到了一個完美的女孩。她漂亮，善良，忠誠，有智慧的，有組織力的及對物質事物有經驗的，這似乎就要他要找的人。可惜不久之後他就知道事情並不如他所想像般美好。為何呢？因為她實在太有經驗，根本不大需要他，而且她的主見驅使她變成一個嘮叨的人，時常都吩咐他應如何處理。結果，他仍是要再去找完美的女心人，後來，他找到了一個更加完美的女孩。她漂亮，善良，忠誠，有智慧的，有組織力的，對物質事物有經驗的及有靈性的。一切都有很完美的平衡，似乎這應是最好的，可是他仍要繼續找另一個完美典型的女孩。我問他為何不與這女人結婚呢? 答案是… 因為她仍未找尋到完美的丈夫。

I once met a man who said he was looking for the perfect wife. He told me that he needed to find someone who was beautiful, kind, loving, and very spiritually oriented. And yes, he had found such a women. But it did not work out. He said she was so spiritual that she could not easily relate to the practical things in the material world.

Then he found someone who was perfect. She was beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, organized and practical in material affairs. She was just what he was looking for. But he said that also did not work out. Why? Because she was so practical that she really did not need him so much, and ended up being a bit of a nag, always telling him what he should do. So he still looked for the perfect woman.

Then he found the perfect wife. She was beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, organized, practical in material affairs, as well as spiritually inclined. A perfect balance. No one could be better. She would make just what he was looking for--the perfect wife.

So I asked him if they got married. No. Why not? Because she was also looking for the perfect husband.
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在一名婦人的50週年结婚纪念日，她透露她婚姻幸福美滿的秘訣。她說：「在我結婚時，為了保全我的婚姻，我決定列出我可以忽略我先生的十個過錯。」 她的一位客人問她，你先生那些過錯是你較常忽略的。 「說實話」 她答道「我從來没有真的去理這檔事。然而每當我丈夫做了使我抓狂的事情，我便告訴自己，「還好是發生在十件中的一件。」

On her 50th wedding anniversary, a woman revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. She said, “On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of the marriage, I would overlook.”
One of her guests asked her what some of the faults she chose to overlook were. “To tell you the truth,” she replied, “I never did get around to making that list. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, ‘Lucky for him that’s one of the ten!’"
---from Steve Goodier’s book, ONE MINUTE CAN CHANGE A LIFE
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結婚前三年
結婚第一年，丈夫說，妻子聽
結婚第二年，妻子說，丈夫聽
結婚第三年，丈夫、妻子兩人一起說而鄰居聽

The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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去年當我打電話給父母親祝福他們新年快樂時，是我父親接的電話，我開口問他，爸你新年的願望是什麼呢?他很自豪的說：讓你媽媽整年都像我一樣快樂
媽媽接過電話，我開口問她，媽你新年的願望是什麼呢? 媽媽回答說：期待你爸爸遵守他的新年願望。

Last year when I called my parents to wish them a happy New Year, my dad answered the phone. “Well, Dad, what’s your New Year’s resolution?” I asked him. “To make your mother as happy as I can all year,” he answered proudly.
Then mom got on, and I said, “What’s your resolution, Mom?” “To see that your dad keeps his New Year’s resolution.”
By Jeanette Case, Erie, PA (Reader’s Digest, Jan. 1999)
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一個女人正向她的一位朋友抱怨說：為什麼我嫁的是Bill而不是John。她說：當我和John在一起的時候，我認為他是世界上最聰明的人。
這使她的朋友很困惑的問說：那麼，你為什麼不選擇他(John)呢?
因為當我和Bill在一起的時候，我認為我是世界上最聰明的人。

A woman was explaining to a friend why she had decided to marry one man rather than another. “When I was with John,” she said, “I thought he was the cleverest person in the whole world.”
“Then why didn’t you choose him?” the puzzled friend asked.
“Because when I’m with Bill I think I’m the cleverest person in the whole world.” (Bits and Pieces 4/28/94).
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To: Tech Support Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of the phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? Big Bush

To: Mr. Bush This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than their original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPSs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button, then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFS. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
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A man was pulled over by a policeman and asked if he knew he was going too fast. He said, “ I’m sorry officer. I had my cruise control on and just forgot the speed limit changed.” His wife said, “Harry, I told you two miles ago that you were speeding.” Harry gives his wife a dirty look as the officer pulls out his ticket book.

“By the way, sir, did you know that your left rear signal lense was broken?” the policeman asks, to which Harry replies, “Oh wow, it must have just happened in the mall parking lot we just left.” His wife again interrupts and says, “Harry, how can you sit there and lie to that nice policeman? I told you to fix that three weeks ago!” Harry gives another look that could kill as the officer starts writing.

The policeman adds,”I am going to have to cite you for not wearing your seatbelt, also.” Harry says,”I just unbuckled as you came up to the car so I could get to my driver’s license if you needed it.” The little lady pipes up, “Harry, you know good and well, I tell you all the time that you better buckle up, ‘cause YOU NEVER WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!”

Having taken all he can stand Harry turns to his tormentor and says with great exasperation, “Woman would keep your big mouth shut!”

Now the officer looks at and addresses the little lady and asks,”does he verbally abuse you like this often, ma’am?”

Says she, “Oh no, only when he has had one drink too many.”
-----

你對婚姻的看法
不同人對婚姻有不同定義, 你的定義是﹖
會計師﹕婚姻好比賺錢,共同分擔開支.
經濟師﹕一個男人未婚前是不完整, 之後他就完了﹗
銀行員﹕借頭款渡蜜月之後全是付款.
救火員﹕有如火,隨著歲月而熄滅.
數學家﹕男人給一寸女人進一尺.
音樂家﹕婚姻好比好比重複著聽一首歌.
眼睛醫師﹕愛是盲目的但婚姻使他們睜開雙眼.
哲學家﹕使你學會許多單身不需的學問比如說忍耐﹗
鋼琴家﹕婚姻好比鋼琴要發出美音必需懂得調音技巧.
修水管﹕好比熱水浴下水片刻之後就不那麼熱了.
軍人﹕好比受困的城堡, 在外的急著進去,在裡面的想盡辦法出來.
提琴家﹕婚姻好比提琴, 美好奏曲過後,弦與提琴還是不能分開的.
洗衣婦﹕婚姻好比用最昂貴的代價換取免費洗衣.
駕駛員﹕婚姻好比多出一個後座駕駛員﹗
工程師﹕結婚後的問題比單身多出許多, 急需解決﹗

What marriage means to you
Different people have different definitions of marriage. So, what’s yours?
ACCOUNTANT : Marriage means making a profit, having another person to share the daily expenses.
ECONOMIST: : A man is said to be incomplete before he’s married. After that, he’s finished.
BANKER: Marriage is like a loan for honeymoon; thereafter, it’s all payments.
FIREMAN: Marriage these days are like fires. They go out over time.
MATHEMATICIAN: Give your wife an inch and she becomes the ruler.
MUSICIAN: Marriage is like listening to a single song over and over again.
OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Love is blind. But marriage is an eye opener. You have to see eye to eye.
PHILOSOPHER: Marriage teaches you great many things you wouldn’t need if you had stayed single such as tolerance.
PIANIST: Marriage is like a piano. How well it sounds depends on how well you keep it in tune.
PLUMBER: Marriage is like a warm bath. Once you get used to it, it is not so hot.
SOLDIER: Marriage is like a besieged castle. Those who are outside try to get in while those who are inside try to get out.
VIOLINIST: Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
WASHERWOMAN: Marriage is the most expensive way to get your laundry free.
DRIVER: Marriage is like having a back seat driver.
Engineers: Marriage has many more problems to solve than single?
-----

Improve Your Love Relationships
Blessed are the husband and wife who continue to be affectionate, considerate and loving after the wedding bells have ceased ringing.
Blessed are they who have a sense of humor, for this attitude will be a handy shock absorber.
Blessed are the couple who remember to thank God for their food before they partake of it and who set aside time each day for the reading the Bible and prayer.
Blessed are the husband and wife who can work out their differences without interference of relatives.
Blessed are they who faithfully attend worship for they advance Christ’s kingdom.
Blessed are the ones who have a full understanding about financial matters and have worked out a partnership with all money under their control.
Blessed are they who are as polite and courteous to one another as they are to their friends. (Pulpit Helps, March 1991. Source: The Visitor)
-----

「親愛的！」丈夫向他的妻子說，「今天晚上，我特地請了一
位朋友來我們家吃飯。」
「甚麼？ 你發了瘋嗎？我們的家一片混亂，加上我沒有買
菜，碗碟又沒有清洗，
在這情形我又怎會弄出美味的菜來！」
「這些我都知道。」
「你既然都知道，那你為什麼還要邀請朋友來我們家吃
飯？」
「因為那個可憐的傢伙正考慮要結婚。」
-----

比爾的穀倉被大火燒毀了。他的太太寶麗打電話給保險公司。
寶麗告訴保險公司：「我們的穀倉保了五萬塊，我現在就要這筆錢。」
保險代理人回答：「請稍候一下，寶麗。保險理賠不是這樣進行的。我們要先弄清楚和確定被保物的價值，然後會提供一個相似價值的新穀倉。」
寶麗楞了好久，然後說：「這樣的話，我要取消我先生的保險計畫。」
-----

在天堂，有兩扇門為已婚男人：一扇門為那些在家裏自稱是老闆的已婚男人；另一扇門是為那些承認太太是老闆的已婚男人。
一天下午，聖彼得在兩扇門之間徘徊。在為那些承認太太是老闆的男人所設的門前，排了很長的隊。在為那些自稱在家裏是老闆的男人所設的門前，只站了一個人。
「喂，巴迪，你一個人站在那扇門前干什麽呢？」 聖彼得問。
「聖彼得，我實在不很清楚，」那人回答，「但這是我太太要我站的門。」

In heaven, there are two gates for married men: The gate for married men that say that they are the boss, and; the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss.
Saint Peter was strolling near the two gates one afternoon. In front of the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss, was a big long line. In front of the gate for men who say the they are the boss was one fellow, standing all by himself.
“Say Buddy, what are you doing over by THAT gate?” inquired Saint Peter.
“Well, Saint Peter, I'm really not sure,” replied the man “but this is where my wife told me to stand.”
-----

一個男人在路上走路，忽然聽到一個聲音，「停下！不能動！如果你再走一步，有一塊磚就會倒下來砸重你的頭，讓你喪命。」
這人立刻停下來，一塊很大的磚正掉在他腳前。他十分震驚。
他繼續往前，過了一會兒，他正要過馬路。那個聲音再次叫喊：「停下！不能動！如果你再走一步，一輛汽車就會撞上你，讓你喪命。」
這人又照著做了，剛好一輛車在拐角處傾斜地開來，幾乎撞倒他。
「你在那兒？」男人問道，「你是誰？」
「我是你的守護天使，」那聲音回答說。
「是嗎？」男人問，「那麽我結婚時你在哪兒呢？」

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where were you when I got married?”
-----

有一天一位男生走進牙科診所查問，拔掉智慧齒的收費多少。
牙醫說﹕「八十元。」
這位男生說﹕「收費太過離譜」，「有沒有較便宜一點的？」
牙醫說﹕「讓我想想」，「如果你不用麻醉劑，我可以減到六十元。」
男生說﹕「這仍然很貴。」
牙醫說﹕「好吧」，「如果我省下麻醉劑，並只用一個鉗子來拔牙，我就算你二十元好了。」
男生抱怨說﹕「這仍然過高。」
牙醫手抓著頭說﹕「如果讓我其中一個學生來練習拔牙，我或者可以收你十元。」
男生回應﹕「這太好了」，「給我太太預訂下個週二。」

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.
“That's a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn't there a cheaper way?”
“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.”
“That's still too expensive,” the man says.
“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.”
“Nope,” moans the man, “it's still too much.”
“Hm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.”
“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”
-----

那麼你的兒子呢？有位女士的兒子和女兒在一個月內都個別結婚了。她的一個朋友向她道賀，並問說：「妳的女兒嫁了怎麼樣的男人呢？」「噢，他很棒！」這位母親滔滔不絕地說：「他讓我女兒很晚才起床、要她固定去美容院，並且堅持每天晚上帶她在餐館吃飯。」「真好。」她的朋友說：「那麼你的兒子呢？」「我對他的太太非常不滿。」這位母親嘆氣說：「她的太太很晚才起床、整天去美容院，並且每天吃餐館的外賣。」

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, “What kind of boy did your daughter marry?” “Oh, he's wonderful,” gushed the mother। “He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night.” “That's nice,” said the woman. “What about your son?” “I'm not so happy about that,” the mother sighed. “His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out meals!”
-----

有一位老先生遇見了一位老太太，後來他們戀愛了。有一天，這位老先生鼓起勇氣向這位老太太求婚，而老太太也答應了！但是當老先生回家之後卻是怎麼記不起來老太太到底是答應還是拒絕。所以老先生覺得很尷尬，就不再對老太太提起結婚之事。然而，幾個星期之後，老先生又鼓起勇氣再向老太太求婚，於是老太太聽了便說好高興哦！因為前幾個星期曾經也有人向她求婚，她也答應了，但是她卻是記不起來是誰！

An old man met an old lady, and they fell in love. One day, the old man gathered up all his courage and asked the old lady to marry him. She said “YES.”
When the old man got home, he remembered asking the old lady to marry him, but he couldn't remember whether she had said “YES” or “NO.” Rather embarrassed that he had forgotten, he never mentioned marriage to her again. After a few weeks, it bothered the old man so much that he gathered up enough courage to ask the old lady what was the answer she gave when he asked her to marry him.
The old lady shouted with glee and said, “I'm so glad you asked! Some man asked me to marry him a few weeks ago, and I said “YES,” but I couldn't remember who it was that asked me!”
-----

甲先生很驕傲的說:我的太太是一位天使;
乙先生說:你很幸運,我的太太還活著。
-----

妻子正在廚房炒菜丈夫在她旁邊一直嘮叨不停：

「慢些。小心！火太大了。趕快把魚翻過來。快鏟起來，油放太多了！把豆腐整平一下。哎唷，鍋子歪了！」

「請你住口！」妻子脫口而出，「我懂得怎樣炒菜。」

「你當然懂，太太，」丈夫平靜地答道：「我只是要讓妳知道，我在開車時，妳在旁邊喋喋不休，我的感覺如何。」
-----

新婚后的第三個禮拜的一天，朱塔打電話給她的牧師。「牧師，」她停了一會后說「我和約翰大吵了一架！」「別慌張，姐妹，」

牧師說：「不要想的太坏。每一對婚姻都會吵架！」

「我知道，我知道！」朱塔說：「我只是不知道如何處理屍體。」

Three weeks after her wedding day, Juta called her pastor. “Pastor,” she wailed, “John and I had a dreadful fight!”

“Calm down, sister,” said the pastor, “it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!”

“I know, I know!” said Juta. “But what am I going to do with the body?”
-----

一個效率專家在演講結束時提醒說：「你們不要在家裡使用我教你們的這些技巧。」

「為什麼不？」聽眾中有一個人問道。

「我觀察我的太太准備早餐有許多年了，」專家解釋說。「她在冰箱，爐子，桌子，和櫥櫃之間走來走去，通常一次只拿一樣東西。有一天，我告訴她，你為什麼不試著一次拿幾樣東西呢？」

「這樣做真的省了時間嗎？」聽眾中的那一個人問道。

「實際上是的，」專家回答。「通常她需要20分鐘准備早餐。現在，我只要7分鐘就做到了。」

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don't want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'“

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
-----

哈維走進鄰居的房子，說，「我才和我的妻子吵過一架。」

「噢，」埃迪說。「這次是如何結束呢？」

「當這次結束時，」哈維回答，「她手和膝蓋跪在在我面前。」

「真的嗎？這一次真的和以前不一樣！她說了什麼？」

在哈維政要回答之前，麥姬沖進來打斷他們，「我說，從床下滾出來，你這個膽小的鼬鼠。」

Harvey walked into the neighbor's house and said, “I just had another fight with my wife.”

“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say”?

Before Harvey had time to answer, his Margie entered the house and swiftly interjected, “I said: 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel'.”
-----

中央情報局招募一名暗殺者，在身家調查、面談、考試都做完之後，最後剩下三個人，二個男的和一個女的。在最後的考試裡，中央情報局的人帶了其中的一個男的進入一個很大的金屬門，然後給他一把槍，他說：「我們必須知道無論在什麼情況下，你都會聽我們的指示，在這個房間裡面，你的妻子坐在裡面，你去把她殺了。」

那個男人說：「你是開玩笑吧，我不會殺我的太太的。」那情報局的人說：「那麼你就不適合這個工作。」

第二個男人也是得到同樣的指示，這次他拿了槍進入房間，那人眼中充滿了淚水出來說：「我試了，但是我不能殺害我的妻子。」那情報局的人說：「你既然做不到，那麼帶著你的妻子回家吧。」

最後輪到那的女人，也是同樣的指示，要殺死他的丈夫。她拿了槍進了房間，聽到了幾聲槍聲，之後又有叫聲、碰撞聲和東西摔到牆壁的聲音。幾分鐘後，終於安靜下來了，門慢慢地開了，女人站在那裡，她擦了擦前額的汗說：「你們怎麼沒有告訴我槍裡面沒有子彈，害我必須用椅子把他打死。」

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.” The man said, “You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you're not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can't kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She, Hillary, was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Hillary wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.
-----

一對夫婦正在慶祝他們的金婚紀念日。在鎮上，他們的家庭平靜安穩是大家長久以來都在談論的話題。一個當地的新聞記者打聽著他們擁有又長久又快樂的婚姻的秘訣。

『嗯，這要回溯到我們的蜜月』丈夫解釋著，『我們去參觀大峽谷，其中有一個旅程是讓騾子載我們到大峽谷底。』我們才剛走沒多遠，我太太所騎的騾子跌倒了，我太太平靜地說『一次』；我們繼續往前走一點，騾子又跌倒了，我太太又再一次平靜地說『兩次』；我們還未走完半哩路時，我太太的騾子又第三次跌倒，
我太太平靜地從他的口袋中拿出一把左輪手槍，把那隻騾子給斃了。

當我開始抗議他對待騾子的方式時，他看著我，然後平靜地說：『一次』。

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, “That's once.”

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That twice.”

We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, “That's once.”
-----

一位女士陪丈夫去看醫生在身體檢查。檢查過後，醫生把病人太太請到旁邊，對她說﹕『除非你遵守以下規定，否則你的丈夫死定了。』

醫生繼續說﹕『你必須作的是，每天早上你要為他準備一頓健康的早餐。每天中午你要在家里為他在一份營養均衡的中餐。每天晚上你要為他準備一份豐盛的熱食。不要太羅唆給他壓力，也不要要求他作任何家事。還有，你要保持家中一塵不染，免得他受細菌感染。』

回家途中，丈夫問妻子，醫生對她說了些什麼。

她回答說﹕『他說你死定了。』

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for his checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and said, “Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die.”

The doctor then went on to say, “Here's what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so that you can serve him a well-balanced meal. Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so that he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said.

She replied, “He said that you're going to die.”
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英國名劇作家蕭伯納與美國現代舞舞蹈家鄧肯都是本世紀初享譽全球的

大人物。他們兩人都未婚，同樣自信而又一生傲骨，於是就有好事者千方百計的想撮合他們，許多劇迷與舞迷也紛紛來函，盛讚他們是天作之合。

有一次他們兩個見面了，鄧肯對蕭伯納說：「不如我們就應觀眾要求結婚吧！生一個孩子，擁有我的美貌加上你的才智。那不是太棒了嗎！」

「女士，那真是太好了，但萬一將來生下來的孩子遺傳了你的才智，而擁有我的外貌，怎麼辦呢？」蕭伯納笑答。
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在吃了禁果之后不久的一天，亞當坐在伊甸園的花園外邊，並且思想著男人和女人的事。於是，他向天堂喊著說，「上帝阿，請原諒，我能問你幾問題嗎？ 」

上帝回答，「說吧亞當，但是要快點， 我有一個世界要創造。 」

因此亞當說，「當你造夏娃時，你為什麼使她看起來如此令人心悅，並且她的身體那樣柔軟？ 」
「亞當阿，我這樣做，是叫你能愛她。 」

「噢，那么，你為什麼給她細長，發亮，並且美麗的頭髮，而不給我呢？」

「亞當阿，我這樣做，是叫你能愛她。 」

「噢，那么，你為什麼使她如此愚蠢？以至於我無法愛她呢？」

「不，這樣，她才能愛你。」

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, “Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?”

GOD replied, “Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create.”

So Adam says,” When you created Eve, why did You make her so pleasant to look at and her body soft unlike mine?”

“I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.”

“Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?”

“I did that Adam so that you could love her.”

“Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?”

“No, so that she could love YOU!”
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有一位年輕人在麥當勞吃午餐, 他看到一對老年夫婦， 他們只要了一份午餐， 一只空杯子， 老人很仔細地將漢堡切成兩半， 然後你一根我一根的對分炸薯條，也將飲料小心奕奕地分為兩杯。

接著老人開始吃他的那份，老妻則坐著看著他吃;這年輕人走上前問老人家是否能允許他替他們多買一份，這樣他們就無需對分一份午餐。

老人說哦，謝謝，不必了， 我們結婚50年來， 凡事都是50/50的對分; 那年輕人看著老婦人說:您為什麼不吃呢? “還沒輪到我， 這次是他先用假牙」

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.”
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一位老祖母再結婚五十週年金婚紀念日那天，分享了保持婚姻成功的秘訣。她說：「從我結婚那天起，我就列出丈夫的十項缺點。為了我們婚姻的幸福，我向自己承諾，每當他犯的是這十項錯誤中的任何一項，我都願意原諒他。」
有人問她這些缺點到底是甚麼。她回答：「老實告訴你，我從來也沒有把這十項缺點列出來過。每當我氣得跳腳不已時，我就安慰自己，『算他好運，這是我會原諒他的十個錯誤中的一個』。」
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Susan是出了名的「電話皇后」，一講電話不超過兩個小時絕不收線。有天老公稱讚她：「妳大有進步哦！ 這次只講了半個鐘頭。」Susan白了老公一眼，說：「少諂媚了。剛才是對方撥錯號碼啦！」愛家8/2000
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（ 施達雄）有一位姐妹，她擁有一個「沈默是金」的丈夫，下班回家之後，可以靜坐 在客廳幾個小時而一語不發。 有一天晚上，突然將櫃子的抽屜一個一個的打開，桌子下面看看，椅子下 面找找，好像在尋找什麼似的，二十分鐘之後，丈夫的好奇心終於引發出來了。 他好奇地問：你到底在什麼？ 她高興的說：啊！我找到了。 「找到什麼？ 「老公！找到你的聲音！」
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有一對七十多歲的老夫婦，當他們慶祝結婚五十週年金婚記念時，有人就問他們，婚姻能夠維持這麼久的秘訣在那裏？這位老先生就說﹕「其實這很簡單，我們在一個禮拜內，有兩個晚上到餐廳去，享受一頓安靜又有輕音樂演奏，桌上只有蠟燭光，非常浪漫輕鬆的晚餐，然後散步回家。」當他講到這裏時，所有的人都用羨慕的眼光看他們，有的人還拼命地點頭。然而，這位老先生就繼續說：「不過，她是禮拜二去，我是禮拜五去。」
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當一個男人為妻子開車門時，你能確定一件事：不是車子是新的，就是妻子是新的。

一個妻子和丈夫吵架後說：「你知道嗎？我真笨才嫁給你！」丈夫回答說：「對啊，親愛的，但是我當時愛昏了頭，所以沒注意到。」

婚姻生活是否很讓人挫折呢？結婚第一年時，先生說話太太聽；第二年時，太太說話，先生聽；第三年時，兩人說話，鄰居聽。

在一個聚會中，一個女人對另一個人說：「你的結婚戒指是不是帶錯手指了？」這人回答說：「對啊，因為我嫁錯人了。」

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”?The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.”

Married life is very frustrating.?In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.?In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.?In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

At the party, one woman said to another, “Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”?The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”
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一個女人的葬禮正要開始。典禮的最後，抬棺人員不小心撞上了一面牆，此時棺材軋軋地作響。他們聽到了微弱的聲音。打開棺木才發現這女人還活著。後來，她又活了10年才死。在同一地點又為她舉行葬禮時，抬棺人員正抬棺材時，他的丈夫大聲喊叫：「這次請小心那面牆！」

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “watch out for the wall this time!!!”
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美麗又愚蠢
丈夫對妻子說︰「為什麼上帝把女人造得那麼美麗卻又那麼愚蠢呢？」
妻子回答道︰「上帝把我們造得美麗，你們才會愛我們，把我們造得愚蠢，我們才會愛你們。」

目標變了
夫妻二人吃飯時，妻子說︰「你現在怎麼盡挑魚背上的肉吃？記得我們談戀愛時，你最愛吃魚頭魚尾 …… 」
「情況不同了嘛！」丈夫說︰「現在我的目標是吃魚，當時我的目標是釣魚。」

饒你一次
一個男人很怕老婆。
一天，他老婆又當著客人的面和他吵了起來，並打了他一耳光。？為了面子，男子
壯著膽子大吼︰「你敢再打我一下？ 」
他老婆毫不猶豫地又打了一下。男子看嚇不住老婆，只得說︰「 既然你這麼話，我就饒你一次吧。」

何必如此
妻子心血來潮，站在鏡子前仔細端詳，發現自己的臉竟是那樣難看，不禁放聲哭。
坐在一旁觀察已久的丈夫說︰「你偶爾照一次鏡子就那麼傷心，那我天天看著又該怎麼辦？ 」

跟在家一樣
妻子到監獄探望丈夫時問︰ 「親愛的，你在這里過得怎麼樣？」
「 就跟在家一樣，哪兒也不讓去，伙食也糟透了…… 」

得不償失
丈夫回家很不高興，妻子關心地問︰ 「你遇到不順心的事了嗎？」
丈夫︰「今天我在公共汽車上拾到２００元錢。」
妻子︰「那應該高興啊！」
丈夫︰「 另一個乘客也看見了，我和他平分 …… 」
妻子︰「 那你不是還有１００元嗎？」
丈夫︰「回家前，我才發現那２００元其實是我自己丟的。」

夢話
妻子關心地對丈夫說︰「老公，你近來老是說夢話，要不我陪你去醫院檢查一下身 體？」
丈夫驚慌地答道︰「不用，如果醫生給我治好了這毛病，那麼我在家里的這一點點發言權都沒有了！」

愛妻
有一個男人跟他一天到晚只會抱怨的妻子來到耶路撒冷渡假。
在渡假當中，他的妻子突然去世了。
葬儀社的人跟他說：您可以選擇花$5,000將尊夫人的遺體運回您的國家，或者花$150把她葬在這聖地耶路撒冷。
那人想了一會兒，就跟葬儀社的人說他要把她運回家鄉。
葬儀社的人不解地問他說：為何您寧可花$5,000把尊夫人運回家鄉，而不願意將
她葬在這美好之地，而且花更少錢呢？
那人回答：很久以前，有一個人在這裡死了，埋在這裡，過了三天，他又復活了。 聖經記述 ..耶穌死後第三天復活。
他繼續說著：我就是不想冒這個險...？
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Quotes引證 :
房屋乃磚石所造,但家僅由愛築成。
Houses are built of brick and stone, but homes are made of love alone.


東或西,家最好—金窩銀窩不如自家的狗窩。
East or west, home is best.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked!

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets. by Ogden Nash.

The curse which lies upon marriage is that too often the individuals are joined in their weakness rather than in their strength, each asking from the other instead of finding pleasure in giving. Simone de Beauvoir (1908-1986)

To keep a fire burning brightly, there’s one easy rule: Keep the logs together, near enough to keep warm and far enough apart for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule. Marnie Reed Crowel

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward. Ben Franklin

A successful marriage depends on two things: (1) finding the right person and (2) being the right person. Life’s Little Instruction Book

God’s responsibility is to change spouse, yours to love spouse. Howard Hendricks

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MEN/WOMEN 男女
當一個女人剛在購物時，你如何知道?
當她們意欲要買東西時，她們會要求再看看更便宜的東西，而當她們決意要買東西時，她們會詢問是否已經沒有更貴的現貨

“How can you tell when a woman is only shopping?”
“When they intend to buy they ask to see something cheaper. When they’re shopping they ask if you haven’t something more expensive in stock.”
(More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike
their English counterparts are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine.
Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?” The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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Dog vs. Man
Dogs don’t have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you are gone.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs understand what “NO” means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
When dogs play “fetch”, they don’t laugh at how you throw.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs understand if some of their friends aren’t allowed to come inside.
Dogs vs. Women
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
Dogs don’t criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve ever had.
Dogs don’t let a magazine article guide their lives.
You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs don’t cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late- the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
Anyone can get a good looking dog.
Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
A dog’s parents never visit.
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WOMEN:
- Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
- Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
- Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
- A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
- Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
- The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
- They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN:
- Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and sometimes killing spiders.
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一個女人走進廚房剛好發現她的丈夫手握蒼蠅拍來打蒼蠅，她就問說：你打到了蒼蠅嗎?
是的，我打到了三隻公的蒼蠅，兩隻母的蒼蠅。
她困惑的問說：你如何識別牠們是公或是母?
在啤酒杯上的三隻蒼蠅是公的，而在電話上的二隻蒼蠅是母的。

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband on the hunt with a flyswatter. “Did you get any?” she asked.
“Yep, three males, two females.”
Intrigued, she asked: “How can you tell?”
“Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”
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一個人有個約會通過電腦交友服務。他問他的朋友，“我該怎麼做，如果我不喜歡的女人？我必須花整個晚上與她呢？“他的朋友建議，“只要到門口接她。如果你喜歡她，繼續按計劃進行，否則只是喊'阿！'，假裝你有哮喘發作，所以你有一個藉口，取消的日期。“那天晚上，他敲了女孩的門，當她來了，他內心充滿了她的美麗和魅力。當他正要和她說話，她突然高喊“阿！“

A man got a date through a computer dating service. He asked his friend, “What shall I do if I don’t like the woman? Do I have to spend a whole evening with her anyway?” His friend suggested, “Just go to the door and meet her. If you like her, go ahead as planned, otherwise just shout ‘Aaaauugh!’ and pretend you have an asthma attack, so you have an excuse to cancel the date.” That evening, he knocked at the girl’s door and when she came, he was overwhelmed by her beauty and charm. When he was about to speak with her, she suddenly shouted “Aaaauugh!”
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我和她
她是强迫型的。 我是衝動型的。 她喜歡熱。 我喜歡冷。 她是整整齊齊。 我是邋邋遢遢。 Andy Rooney說： 「A’s 嫁給Z’s」 但是，我們是完全不同的字母。 我推。 她拉。 她說：「下來」 我說：「上去」 她屬於晚上。 我數於白日。 生活在一起很難。 没有她的生活是不可能的。

Me and Her
She is compulsive.
I am impulsive.
She likes it hot.
I like it cold.
She is neat.
I’m a slob.
Andy Rooney says, “A’s marry Z’s”
But we are in different alphabets.
I push.
She pulls.
She says, “Down.”
I say, “Up.”
She is night.
I am day.
Living together is hard.
Living without her would be impossible.
Author unknown (Dear Ann, Los Angeles Times 4/6/97)
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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, “Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what’ll it be?”
The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”
The woman thought for a minute. She said, “Well, I’ve been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for. A good mate.”
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that map again.”
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What is the difference between men and women?
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. 4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.5. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman- before and after marriage.6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
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丈夫一直鄙視的人誰，他的估計，說話太多了。他自豪地告訴他的妻子，他想最近聽說男人用2200字的一天，而女性使用超過4400字的一天。
他的妻子沉吟了一下他的意見，然後總結說：“這是因為婦女要重複他們說什麼他們的丈夫。“
丈夫抬起頭，問：“再來？“

A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talked too much. He proudly told his wife that he’d recently heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use more than 4400 words a day.
His wife pondered his comments for a moment, and then concluded, “That’s because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands.”
The husband looked up and asked, “Come again?”
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Why Men Can’t Win
If you work too hard,
there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough,
you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,
it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay,
you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her,
it’s favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you,
it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks,
it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet,
it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her,
you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy,
that’s domination.
If she asks you,
it’s a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape,
you’re vain.
If you don’t,
you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers,
you’re after something.
If you don’t,
you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements,
you’re an egotist.
If you’re not,
you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache,
she’s tired.
If you have a headache,
you don’t love her anymore.
-----

一名男實業家是積極進取的；一名女實業家則是具事業心的。他很注重細節，她則是很挑剔。他太投入工作以至致常發脾氣，她則是暴燥的。他心情低落經常宿醉，所以每個人都躡手躡腳地走過去他的辦公室。她則是喜怒無常，且必持續一整個月。他堅持到底；她則是不知何時該退。他是堅定型的，她則是固執型的。他做明智的判斷，她卻表現傲慢。他是面面俱到的人，她則個非常活耀的人。他勇於說出他的想法，她則自以為是。他按事就班；她卻囂張跋扈。他凡事小心翼翼，她則是保密到家。他是嚴格的老闆；她卻難以共事。

“A businessman is aggressive; a businesswoman is pushy. He is careful about details; she’s picky. He loses his tempter because he’s so involved in his job; she’s bitchy. He’s depressed or nursing a hangover, so everyone tiptoes past his office; she’s moody, so it must be her time of the month. He follows through; she doesn’t know when to quit. He’s firm; she’s stubborn. He makes wise judgments; she reveals her prejudices. He is a man of the world; she’s been around. He isn’t afraid to say what he thinks; she’s opinionated. He exercises authority; she’s bossy. He’s discreet; she’s secretive. He’s a stern taskmaster; she’s difficult to work for.” Melvin Mencher
-----

神看著面前的數百萬人說，「歡迎大家到天國來；女人跟著聖彼得去、男人排成兩列；那些支配女人的一列、那些被女人支配的一列。
一陣子移動後，女人離開了。 男人排成兩列，被女人支配的一列有一百英里長 、 支配女人的一列只有一人。
神生氣的說，「你們這些男人應該感到羞恥，我以我的形象造你們，而你們卻被女人支配；看看那個唯一的讓我為榮的男人、好好跟他學習！」
神轉向那個男人説，「我的孩子、告訴他們你是如何辦到的？」
那個男人説，「我也不知道， 我太太叫我站在這裡」

God looks over the millions of people and says, “Welcome to Heaven. The women are to go with Saint Peter, and the men are then to form two lines. Make one line of the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other of men who were dominated by their women.”

With much movement the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by women is 100 miles long but the line of men who dominated women has only one man.

God gets angry and says, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates? Look at the only one of you that stood up and made me proud and prepare to learn from him!”

God turns to the man and says, “Tell them, my son. How you managed to be the only one on that line?”

The man says, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
-----

一位英語教授在黑板上寫下一句話，「女人沒有她男人就什麽都不是」，然後讓他的學生正確地加上標點。
男生都這樣寫：「女人，沒有她男人，就什麽都不是。」
女生都這樣寫：「女人！沒有她，男人就什麽都不是。」
教授說：「我不能也不會來和你們爭論！男人找到了他的配對。」

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly।

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
I can't nor won't argue that! Man, has met his match!
-----

和藹的男人多半長相醜陋。
英俊的男人不會和藹。
英俊的，和藹的，異性戀的男人都結婚了。
不那麽英俊，但很和藹的男人沒有錢。
不那麽英俊，但很和藹又有錢的男人會認爲我們是爲了要他們的錢。
英俊的，沒錢的男人是在追求我們的錢。
異性戀的，比較和藹的，又有錢的，認爲我們很漂亮的男人是膽小鬼。
比較英俊的，比較和藹的，比較有錢的，又是異性戀的男人很害羞，從來不會採取主動！！！！！
從來不會採取主動的男人，當我們採取主動時，他們對我們自動失去了興趣。

Who Understands Men?
* The nice men are ugly.
* The handsome men are not nice.
* The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
* The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
* The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
* The handsome men without money are after our money.
* The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
* The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are heterosexual are shy and never make the first move!!!!!
* The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
-----

男人與女人的比較
昵稱：如果蘿拉，蘇珊娜，底波拉，和蘿絲去吃飯，她們會彼此稱呼對方為蘿拉，蘇珊娜，底波拉，和蘿絲。但是如果邁克，查理，鮑勃，和約翰去外面喝咖啡，他們會親昵的稱呼對方為肥仔，暴龍，洋蔥頭，和廢物。

外出吃飯：如果帳單到了，邁克，查理，鮑勃，和約翰會每個人扔２０塊錢到盤子裏，雖然也許帳單上只有２２元５毛錢。沒有人會出比這個少的錢，也沒有人會承認他們想要找錢。但是如果女孩們拿到她們的帳單，她們就會拿出她們的電腦來算每個人要付多少錢。

錢：一個男人會付２塊錢買只值一塊錢的他想要的東西。而女人會花一塊錢買值兩塊錢的本來她不要的東西。

浴室：男人在浴室裏只有六樣東西：一把牙刷，一罐刮呼水，一把刮胡刀，一塊肥皂，還有從酒店裏哈來的毛巾。而平均在女人浴室裏的東西有３３７件。其中大多數的東西，男人連見都沒有見過。

爭論：往往女人會說爭吵的最後一句話。而男人只要她在女人的那句話後在填上一句，就會引發另一場的爭論。

貓：女人愛貓。男人說他愛貓，卻常在女人不注意的時候踹貓一腳

未來：女人对未來而擔憂因結婚而止。而男人的擔憂始與結婚那一刻

成功：成功的男人始總是有多餘的錢給他老婆花，而成功的女人就是那個找到這樣老公的女人。結婚：女人嫁給一個男的希望他可以為自己改變，但他永遠都不會。而男人娶一個女人希望他不要改變，卻發現她總是在改變中。

儀容儀錶：女人會在去購物，澆水，清掃儲物室，接電話，看書，收發信件之前化妝一番。而男人只會為婚禮和葬禮而穿著體面。

自然：男人起床時的臉和平時一樣。而女人，在晚上會變得醜一些

孩子：女人瞭解她的孩子。她知道帶孩子去看牙醫的時間　，孩子的羅曼史，他最好的朋，最喜歡的時候，最害怕的東西，以及他的夢想。而男人模糊的意識到他的家裏住著一些矮小的人。
-----

一個人寫了一封信給一個中西部鎮上的小旅館, 他正計劃在他的假期中要來這個小鎮玩。他寫著：
我非常希望帶我的狗一起來; 牠很乾淨也很乖; 您可以讓我將牠留在旅館房間裡過夜, 與我作伴嗎?

旅館主人立刻回復了這封信：「我已經經營這個旅館許多年了, 在過去的時間裡, 沒有狗偷過毛巾、床單、銀器或牆壁圖片; 我也從未在半夜裡趕出過一隻喝醉或骯髒的狗; 我也從沒收過寵物費。是的, 歡迎你帶你的狗來; 而且,如果您的狗可以為您擔保, 我們也歡迎你的光臨。

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
-----

Barbara Walters 在波斯灣戰爭之前幾年寫了一篇有關科威特的性別角色的報告，她注意到傳統的回教風氣是女人要走在他們的丈夫後面距離十呎的地方。她最近再回去科威特，注意到現在科威特的男人卻是走在他們的妻子後面距離幾碼之處.。Walters女士走近一個科威特婦女問她原因，Walters說：「真是了不起，是什麼原因使這裡的女人能改變男女的角色呢？」那科威特女人回答：「地雷。」

Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait a few years prior to the Gulf War, and noted then that, in traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?” The Kuwaiti woman replied: “Land mines.”
-----

採訪神

神問道：你想採訪我嗎？
　　
我說：我很想採訪你，但不知道你是否有時間。
　　
神笑道：我的時間是永恆的。你有什麼問題嗎？
　　
我說：你感到人類最奇怪的是什麼？
　　
神答道：他們厭倦童年生活，急於長大，而後又渴望返老還童。他們犧牲自己的健康來換取金錢，然後又犧牲金錢來恢復健康。他們對未來充滿憂慮，但卻忘記現在；於是，他們既不生活於現在之中，又不生活於未來之中。他們活著的時候好像永不會死去，但死去以後又好像從未活過。

神握住我的手，我們沉默了片刻。
　　
我又問道：作為長輩，你有什麼經驗想要告訴子女的？

神笑道：他們應該知道不可能取悅於所有人。他們所能做到的只是讓自己被人所愛。他們應該知道，一生中最有價值的不是擁有什麼東西，而是擁有什麼人。他們應該知道，與他人攀比是不好的。他們應該知道，富有的人並不擁有最多，而是需要最少。他們應該知道，要在所愛的人身上造成深度創傷只要幾秒鐘，但是治療創傷則要花上幾年時間。他們應該學會寬恕別人。他們應該知道，有些人深深的愛著他們但卻不知道如何表達自己的感情。他們應該知道金錢可以買到任何東西，卻買不到幸福。他們應該知道，得到別人的寬恕是不夠的，他們也應當寬恕自己。
-----

神創造了驢子並告訴牠：你將從早到晚不停的工作、背負重物，你只能吃草，你將不會擁有智慧，而你有50年的壽命，你是一隻驢子！
　　
驢子回答說：我會是隻驢子，但活50年太久了，讓我活20年就好了！於是神給了牠20年的壽命。
　　
神創造了狗並告訴牠：你必須替人類看家，你是人類最忠實的朋友，你只能吃人類給你的任何東西，而你可以有25年的壽命，你是一隻狗！
　　
狗回答說：活25年太久了，讓我活10年就好了！於是神給了牠10年的壽命。
　　
神創造了猴子並告訴牠：你必須在樹上跳來跳去，做一些蠢事讓人開心，而你有20年的壽命，你是隻猴子！
　　
猴子回答說：神，活20年太久了，讓我活10年 就好了！神也同意了。
　　
最後，神創造了人類並告訴他：你是人類，地球上唯一的理性生物，你將運用智慧去控制其他的動物並主宰世界，而你可以有20年的壽命。
　　
人類回答說：神，我是人類，但20年的壽命實在不夠，何不把驢子放棄的30年、狗放棄的15年、及猴子放棄的10年都給我呢？
　　
這就是神的決定。從此，人類過了20年人樣的生活。
　　
結婚後花了30年像隻驢子一樣的背負重擔
　　
當他的孩子離家後，又花了15年如狗一般的看家、吃任何別人給他的東西、然後漸漸老去而退休。
　　
剩下的10年，他像猴子般的在屋子和孩子間轉來轉去，盡做些蠢事為的是取悅兒孫。
-----

成功的男人就是能夠賺比太太花費還多錢的人。
成功的女人就是能夠找到這樣的男人。
男人願意付二塊錢在價值一塊錢且是他想要的東西上。
女人願意付一塊錢在價值二塊錢但不是她想要的東西上。
女人期待結婚之後他會改變，但他不會。
男人期待結婚之後她不會改變，但她會。
女人一直擔心未來的日子，一直到她找到老公。
男人從不擔心未來的日子，一直到他找到老婆。
結了婚的男人比沒結婚的男人長壽，但是結了婚的男人卻都想死。
-----

Quotes引證 :
Women talk among themselves about other people. Men talk to other people about themselves. (More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? Answer: A rumor

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. Anonymous

All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The test of man is how well he is able to feel about what he thinks. The test of a woman is how well she is able to think about what she feels. Mary Mcdowell

**********************************************************

MISTAKE 犯錯
Who Am I?

I am frequently most potent in the morning, but I am willing to abide
with you at any time.

I am what you feel if you get married or if you do not get married.

I am what the after-dinner speaker says he feels because he came
unprepared, and what the listeners show they feel without saying it.

I come to you when youth leaves you.

I am yours when that sarcastic person drops a remark which you cannot
fittingly answer, and I am doubled when you are later alone and think
of just the brilliant retort you should have given.

I am what overwhelms you when you suffer an overwhelming financial
loss.

I am the vainest of the vain.

I am regret!
(More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
-----

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon. The surgeon said “You’re in luck! I’m an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours.” So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said “I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub.” Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts. A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon. The surgeon said “No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours.” Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said “I finished early, Jim’s down at the soccer field.” Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals. A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon. The surgeon looked at the situation and said “Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours.” So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully “I’m sorry, Jim died.” Joe said “I understand - heads are tough.”
The surgeon said, “Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag.”
-----

Two students of the Talmud came to their rabbi and wailed: “Rabbi, we’ve committed a sin!” “What have you done?” “We looked with lust upon a woman!” “God preserve you!” cried the rabbi. “You’ve committed a terrible sin!:” “We wish to do penance, Rabbi!” “In that case, I order you to put peas into your shoes and walk about that way for a week. Then perhaps you’ll remember not to commit such a sin again.
The two penitents went away and did as the rabbi told them. Several days later they met on the street. One was hobbling painfully and looked haggard, but the other one was calm and smiling. So the hobbler said to his fried reproachfully, “Is this the way you do penance? I see you haven’t followed the rabbi’s orders. You didn’t put peas in your shoes!” “Of course I did!” insisted the other. “But I cooked them first!”
-----

一天下午，一名男子前去看醫並告訴他他最近覺得不太好。醫生檢查該名男子離開房間，带回來三瓶不同的藥丸。 醫生說「當你早上醒來吃綠色藥丸配一大杯水。午飯後取藍色藥丸喝一大杯水。 然後睡覺前，吃紅色藥丸再配另一大杯水。」
該名男子很驚訝要吃這麼多藥丸，結結巴巴地問：「Jeez醫生，究竟我發生什麼問題？」 醫生回覆說「你喝不足够的水。」

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn’t been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?”
The doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
-----

一個人去看他的醫生在急性期的焦慮。 “醫生，“他說，“你一定要幫我。我要死了。我到處都碰痛。我摸著我的頭好痛。我摸著我的腿，它傷害。我摸著我的胃，它傷害。我觸摸我的胸部和心痛。你一定要幫我，醫生，一切都疼。“
醫生給他一個完整的檢查。 “先生史密斯，“他說，“我有一個好消息和壞消息要告訴你。好消息是，你是不會死的。壞消息是你的破手指。“

A man went to see his doctor in an acute state of anxiety. “Doctor,” he said, “you have to help me. I’m dying. Everywhere I touch it hurts. I touch my head and it hurts. I touch my leg and it hurts. I touch my stomach and it hurts. I touch my chest and it hurts. You have to help me, Doc, everything hurts.”
The doctor gave him a complete examination. “Mr. Smith,” he said, “I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is you are not dying. The bad news is you have a broken finger.”
-----

The Difference Between You & Me
by Vernon Howard
You are as stubborn as a mule, but I am loyal to my noble beliefs.
You are a blabbermouth, but I am endlessly generous in contributing my wisdom to others.
You are pushy, but I take constructive initiative.
You are a shameless glutton, but I am a daring explorer in the world of food and drink.
You have cunning greed, but I have admirable ambition.
You express childish anger, but I firmly denounce all forms of injustice.
You are rude, but I am not afraid to say what I think.
You indulge in petty gossip, but I discuss other people in order to sympathize and help them.
You are lazy, but I possess relaxed patience.
You think the world owes you a living, but I wish only my rightful rewards so richly deserved.
You have an evil lust for power, but I have a natural talent for social leadership.
You nervously run from one foolishness to another, but I happily pursue many meaningful activities.
-----

Nigel的禮貌是眾所皆知的， 有一次他在早晨4:40時被一通電話吵醒… 「你的狗一質在叫， 吵的我沒辦法睡，」 一個很生氣的聲音傳來。 Nigel 謝謝打給他的人並在掛掉之前很有禮貌地詢問他的名字和電話。 隔天清晨， 在剛好4:40時， Bernard打回給他的鄰居， 「Mr。 Andrews， 早阿… 我只是要打來告訴你我沒有養狗。」

Nigel, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .
“Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.
Nigel thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.
“Good morning, Mr. Andrews.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog.”
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當約瑟和吉米在外面砍材時，吉米砍斷他的手臂。約瑟把手臂裝進一個塑膠袋內，並帶吉米去見一個外科醫生。
外科醫生說﹕「你們真是幸運！我是一個肢體重接的專家！五小時後再來。」Joe便離去，五小時後，當他回來時外科醫生說﹕「我比預計還快完成手術。Jim目前在酒廊裏。」約瑟到了酒廊，吉米正在那里丟飛標。
幾個星期後，當約瑟和吉米再次砍材時，吉米砍斷他的腳。約瑟把腳裝進一個塑膠袋內，並帶吉米回去見那個外科醫生。
外科醫生說﹕「沒問題，但腳的手術是比較『硬』一點。八小時後再來。」約瑟便離去，八小時後當他回來時，外科醫生說﹕「我提前完成手術，吉米目前在足球場上。」約瑟來到足球場，吉米在那里正把球踢向球門。
幾個星期後，吉米遇到一個慘重意外，斷掉了頭顱。約瑟把頭放進一個塑膠袋內，帶著它和吉米的身體去見同樣的那位醫生。
外科醫生看過情況後說﹕「啊呀，頭可真夠『硬』。12小時後再來。」約瑟便離去，12小時後當他回來時，外科醫生歉意地說﹕「對不起，吉米已死了。」
Joe說﹕「我了解，頭是『硬』的。」
外科醫生說﹕「哦非也！手術是順利的，吉米是在塑膠袋內窒息的。」

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.
The surgeon said “You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours.” So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said “I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub.” Joe went to the pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said “No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours.” Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said “I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field.” Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.
The surgeon looked at the situation and said “Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours.” So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully “I'm sorry, Jim died.”
Joe said “I understand - heads are tough.”
The surgeon said, “Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag.”
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1893年福特完成了汽車的發明工作，1903年開始設廠大量生產，給人類帶來不少方便，但同時也造成許多車禍及人命的損傷。為了要防止車禍的發生，福特汽車公司向全國提出懸賞防止車禍發生的圖案及標語。結果入選的作品為大家耳熟能詳的「停、看、聽」，亦即車子開到十字路口或平交道時，必須遵守先把車子停下來，再左右觀察看看，並傾聽一下有否來車。獲選者因而獲得一大筆獎金。可惜在幾年後，那位獲獎者開車到平交道時，因為沒有遵守自己所提出的標語，遂與火車相撞而車毀人亡。這樣的結果，好比『實行一兩，勝過一頓』，值得省思！
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記者訪問銀行行長，請他講出成功祕訣。
「四個字。」
「哪四個字？」
「正確決策。」
「怎樣才能作出正確決策？」
「兩個字。」
「哪兩個字？」
「經驗。」
「如何獲得經驗？」
「四個字。」
「哪四個字？」
「錯誤決策。」
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Quotes引證 :
It only takes a few minutes to find in others the faults we can’t discover in ourselves in a lifetime. (More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)

If you can mend a situation mend it; if you can’t mend it forget it. Ralph Waldo Trine.

If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

O God, when I am wrong, make me easy to change, and when I am right, make me easy to live with! Peter Marshall

Not admitting a mistake is a bigger mistake. Robert Half

The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything. Theodore Roosevelt

Name the greatest of all inventions. Accident. Mark Twain

If you feel you have no faults, that makes another.

There are three times when you should never say anything important to a person: when he is tired, when he is angry, and when he has just made a mistake.