CHARACTER 品德
1891年，一個鐵路公司因著有人在穿越平交道被火車撞死而挨告。控方律師詢問當時值夜班的平交道看守人：『你是否當時在值班？』這名看守人的回答是很肯定的。『你是否有一個照明燈？』他的回答仍然是很肯定的。『你是否搖晃你的照明燈？』他的回答仍然一樣。因著這名看守人有利的證詞，控方輸掉了這個案子。鐵路公司的總經理向這名看守人道賀，並且告訴他，他的證詞為公司省了很多錢，公司將會獎勵他。之後，總經理問這名看守人：『你在作證的時候會緊張嗎？』看守人回答說：『先生，我有些害怕他們會問我是否有點燃我的照明燈。』
In 1891 a train company was being sued because a person had been killed at a train crossing. The plaintiff’s lawyer interrogated the night watchman at the crossing. When asked if he was on duty, he responded in the affirmative.
“Did you have a lantern?” Again the answer was yes.
“Did you wave the lantern?” Again the same answer. His testimony was so convincing that the plaintiff lost the case. Afterwards, the president of the company congratulated the watchman, telling him that his testimony had saved the company a great deal of money, and that he would be compensated accordingly. The president then asked the watchman, “Were you nervous on the stand?”
“Well, sir, I was a bit afraid they would ask if my lantern was lit.”
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一個父親告訴他的兒子：『待人要有禮貌，甚至是對待那些對你不好的人。記得，你對人友善，並不是因為他們是友善的人，而是你自己是友善的人。』
“My boy,” said a father to his son, “treat everybody with politeness, even those who are rude to you; remember, you show courtesy to others, not because they are gentlemen, but because you are one.”
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好多年以前，有一個周六的文學欣賞節目，播出了一個卡通。在那卡通裡面，喬治華盛頓拿著一把斧頭站著。在他的前面，是一顆著名的櫻桃樹躺在地上。喬治華盛頓很驕傲的承認了是他幹的，因為他不會說謊。但是，他的父親站在那裡很生氣的說：『很好，你承認是你幹的，你每次都承認是你幹的。問題是，你什么時候才會停止砍我的櫻桃樹！』
There was a cartoon in the Saturday Review of Literature several years ago in which little George Washington was standing with an ax in his hand. Before him, lying on the ground was the famous cherry tree. He had already made his smug admission that he had done it -- after all, he “...cannot tell a lie.” But, his father was standing there, exasperated, saying, “All right, so you admit it! You always admit it! The question is, when are you going to stop doing it.”
http://www.expositor.com/Exposit.htm
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熊寶寶下樓坐在桌前的小椅子上，發現他的小碗是空的。他吱吱叫：「誰吃了我的粥？!! 」。熊爸爸坐在他的大桌前的大椅子上，看到他的大碗也是空的：「誰吃了我的粥？!! 」他咆哮道。熊媽媽從廚房探出他的頭來叫道：「拜託你們！同樣的情況到底要重演幾次呢」？熊媽媽是最早起床的，叫大家起床的也是他，沖咖啡的也是熊媽媽，他從洗碟機裡把昨晚清洗的碗碟拿出來放好，在冷冷的凌晨出去拿報紙，他佈置餐桌，將貓放出去，清洗小箱子，為貓補充水和食物，如今你決定放下優雅的熊媽媽廚房，氣呼呼的下樓：你們給我聽好，我只說一遍：「我還沒有開始做粥!!!」
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?!!”, he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my Porridge?!!,” he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time . . .
“I HAVEN’T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET !!”
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Things We Can Learn From A Dog
Never pass the opportunity to go for a joyride
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them
When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience
Let others know when they have invaded your territory
Take naps and scratch before rising
Run, romp, and play daily
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm
Be loyal
Never pretend to be something you’re not
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle her/him gently
Thrive on attention and let people touch you
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree
When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body
No matter how often you are scolded, don’t buy into the guilt and pout.....run right back and make friends
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk
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“For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone” Sam Levenson
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在一個政治醜聞的案子中，案情已經進入白熱化。法庭上，檢察官正在挑戰一位證人。檢察官對證人說：「是真的嗎？你要說實話！你有沒有收了5000美元的賄賂，要使這個案子大事化小？」
證人看著窗外，好像沒有聽到問題一般！
檢察官又問了一遍：「你到底有沒有收5000美元的賄賂，要使這個案子大事化小？」證人還是沒有回答。
終於，法官受不了了，對證人說：「請證人回答這個問題！」
證人很迷惘的說：「喔！對不起，我以為他剛剛在問你！」
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童話裹有一個故事說:古時代在一大山上有一隻老虎，牠很喜歡喫人肉。天使告訴牠: 「你以後絕對不可喫人肉，若再喫，我馬上打死你。」虎答: 「好！ 」以後牠只咬死小動物來滿足肚子。過三年，天使再來時，老虎請求天使說「我三年之久沒喫過人肉，現在非常愛喫人肉，讓我喫吧！ 」天使說「好，但是基督徒你絕對不可喫。」虎回答說「好」後來虎很歡喜下了山，跑到一個禮拜堂前，看見一個人帶聖經，吟詩很快樂的樣子。老虎上前聞那個人，全身都沒有基督徒氣味，只有嘴有一點基督徒的氣味，所以留下嘴、全身的肉都喫掉了。天使又降臨來了，責備老虎怎樣喫那個人?老虎說「這個人只有嘴有基督徒的氣味，所以我留著嘴，其他的都份都喫掉了。」（楊信德，《新約聖經一般故事講道集》）
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Quotes引證 :
The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out. Thomas Babington Macaulay
The circumstances of life, the events of life, and the people around me in life, do not make me the way I am, but reveal the way I am. Dr. Sam Peeples
There is no right way to do a wrong thing.
Character is more important than reputation because reputation is just what people think you are; character is what you really are. John Wooden.
Conscience is the still small voice that people won’t listen to.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. Dennis Wholey
He that gives good advice, builds with one hand; he that gives good counsel and example, builds with both; but he that gives good admonition and bad example, builds with one hand and pulls down with the other. Francis Bacon
I would rather be cheated a hundred times than develop a heart of stone. Tim Stafford
Who you are speaks so loud I can’t hear what you are saying. Emerson
Righteousness without genuine love for God and others will soon degenerate into self-righteousness.
I have to be a good person. When I lost, I had to shake the other guy’s hand. Barry Sanders
A contract is fair when both parties gain equally. Thomas Aquinas
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CHILD 小孩
A mother attended a service in a large and crowded auditorium with her little daughter, Mary. In some manner the two became separated. The mother sent a note to the platform which was read aloud: “If there is a little girl named Mary Moore in the audience, who is lost, will she please raise her hand so her mother can find her.” No little girl raised her hand so the mother had the police searching the city for the child. Still not finding her, the mother came back and stood at the door of the auditorium as the people filed out. Among the last of them was Mary. Her mother snatched her up, crying, “Where were you, Mary?” “On the front row,” replied the little one. “Didn’t you hear the man read the notice, ‘If there is a little girl named Mary Moore in the audience, who is lost, will she please raise her hand so her mother can find her?’ “ “Yes,” said Mary, “I heard it.” “Then why didn’t you raise your hand?” “Why, Mother, it couldn’t have meant me,” said Mary, “for I wasn’t lost. I knew where I was.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 840)
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爸爸由於感染了西班牙流感被關在房子裡，母親正忙於給已經來自病房的盤子消毒。
妳為何做這些事？ 4 歲的唐納德不解的問媽媽。
親愛的，可憐的爸爸感染細菌，並且這些細菌已傳到盤子上，所以我必須用開水煮盤子，才可以殺死全部可怕的細菌。
唐納德在他的小腦袋裡沈思了幾分鐘。然後說： 媽，為什麼你不直接煮爸爸呢？
Daddy was confined to the house with Spanish influenza, and mother was busy sterilizing the dishes which had come from the sick-room.
“Why do you do that?” asked four-year-old Donald.
“Because, dear, poor daddy has germs, and the germs get on the dishes, so then I boil them, and that kills all the horrid germs.”
Donald turned this over in his little mind for several minutes. Then:
“Mother, why don’t you boil daddy?”
(More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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小朋友寫給上帝的信
摘錄自小朋友寫給上帝的備忘錄
親愛的上帝：是你安排讓長頸鹿看起來像那模樣？還是意外事件造成的？
親愛的上帝：讓新生命取代死去的人，為何你現在不要保有一個呢？珍
親愛的上帝：是誰在各個國家當中畫出界線的？楠
親愛的上帝：我去了婚禮和他們在會堂正確的接吻。可以嗎？
親愛的上帝：為我有一個嬰孩弟弟感謝祢，但是我是向祢禱告要一隻小狗。
親愛的上帝：整個假期都在下雨，我爸爸發瘋了！他說了一些事是一般人不會想說的話，希望你不要傷害到他。祢的朋友（我不會告訴祢我是誰）
親愛的上帝：請送我一匹小馬，是我以前未曾向祢求過的。你看看吧！
親愛的上帝：假如我們就像一些事情一樣返回，請不要讓我變成珍妮弗荷頓。因為我討厭她！
親愛的上帝：當我長大後，我想長的像我爸一樣，但是不要太多毛髮。
親愛的上帝：甚至當我不禱告時，我有時候會想到你。
親愛的上帝：我打賭對你要去愛世上的是很難的。我家中只有四個人，我都不曾去愛呢？
親愛的上帝：在為你工作的許多人物當中，挪亞和大衛是我的最愛。
親愛的上帝：哥哥們跟我提起我生出的事，聽來怪怪的。他們是不是只在嘲哄我吧！
親愛的上帝：如果星期日在教會你會看我的話，我將展示我的新鞋子哩！
親愛的上帝：我們讀到多馬愛迪生發明燈光，然而在希伯來學校裡，我們得知是祢做的。我打賭是愛迪生偷走祢的想法吧！
親愛的上帝：我不認為有人能成為一位好的上帝。我只是要你知道我只是如此說說而已！因為你已經是上帝了！
親愛的上帝：我不認為橙色和紫色會在一起，直到星期二我看見祢所造的日落。真是酷阿！
親愛的上帝：如果該隱和亞伯各自擁有自己的房間，也許他們就不會彼此相殺了！我和我哥哥正在廝殺當中哩！
Kid letters to God
from actual memos that youngsters wrote to G-d:
Dear God: Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have now? Jane
Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the synagogue. Is that okay?
Dear God: Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear God: It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Dear God: If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
Dear God: I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Dear God: I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying.
Dear God: I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Dear God: Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Dear God: My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right. They are just kidding, aren’t they?
Dear God: If you watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes.
Dear God: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Hebrew school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Dear God: I don’t think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
Dear God: I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.
Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
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當小湯姆的鄰居同伴在籬笆旁時，看他在花園挖個洞。有一個不害羞的小朋友對他做的事感到有趣，爬上去很客氣的問：「湯姆，你在作什麼？」湯姆回說：「我的金魚死了！」他淚流滿面沒有抬頭的說：「我剛剛埋好了！」鄰居很關心的說：「對金魚來說，那洞是不是太大了？」湯姆拍好最後的一推土後，回說：「那是因為金魚在你那隻不會說話的貓裡面呀！」
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What’cha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your dumb cat.”
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如果和一個喜好批評的一起生活的小孩，他學會定人的罪；
如果和一個充滿敵意的一起生活的小孩，他學會與人爭鬥；
如果和一個喜歡嘲笑的一起生活的孩子，他知道害羞；
如果和一個有羞恥心的一起生活的孩子，他知道罪惡感；
如果和一個有容忍度的一起生活的小孩，他學會有耐心；
如果和一個懂得激勵的一起生活的小孩，他學會信賴人；
如果和一個懂得讚美的一起生活的小孩，他學會珍惜；
如果和一個講求公平的一起生活的小孩，他知道正義；
如果和一個有安全感的一起生活的孩子，他學會有信心；
如果和一個懂得贊同的一起生活的小孩，他學會愛自己；
如果和一個有接納的心和看重友誼的一起生活的小孩，他學會在世上尋找愛。
If a child lives with criticism, He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, He learns to be guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, He learns justice.
If a child lives with security, He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, He learns to find love in the world.
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小華的父親發現小華花了太多時間在電玩上，為了要鼓勵小華多花一些時間在學校的課業上，他的父親說：『當林肯在你的年紀時，他是用家中壁爐的火光來唸書。』小華回答說：『當林肯在你的年紀時，他已經是美國的總統。』
Little Johnny’s father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
Little Johnny replied, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States.”
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老闆遇到一位員工並對他說：「你到這裡已經一年了，起初你只是一位文書人員，一星期後，你開始負責銷售業務，一個月後，你被提升為區域營運經理，僅僅四個月，你已被擢升為副總裁，現在，我準備退休了，我希望你接任我為新的老闆，你認為如何？」
那位員工回答：「謝謝你…」
老闆說：「你還有甚麼要說的？」
員工說：「謝謝你….爸爸…」
The boss meets an employee and says: “You are here already 1 year. In the beginning, you were only a Mail Clerk. A week later, you started to handle Sales. A month later, you were promoted as Operation Regional Manager. In only 4 months, you were promoted to Vice-President. Now, I’m ready to retire, I want you to be the new boss. How do you feel?”
The Employee answers: “Thank you...”
The Boss: “Anything else you would like to say?”
The employee: “Thank you .... Dad...”
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一個青少年在他家的車道上打籃球的時候，掉了他的隱形眼鏡。他找了一找，就去告訴他媽媽他的隱形眼鏡掉了而且找不到。他的媽媽不慌不忙地出去，沒幾分鐘就找到了兒子的隱形眼鏡。兒子對媽媽說：『我真的很努力的找過，為什么我找不到，你找得到？』媽媽說：『因為我們找不一樣的東西。你是尋找一個小塑膠片，我是尋找美金150元。』
A teenager lost one of his contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.
After a brisk search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
“I really looked hard for that, mom,” said the youth. “How did you manage to find it?”
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.” (Reader’s Digest 10/92)
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我在飛往弗羅里達州的飛機上，正為一個親職教育講座準備我的筆記，我將講授教育心理學。一位年長的婦女坐在我旁邊，對我解釋說她剛剛花了兩週的時間探望了她在波士頓的六個兒女，十八個孫兒女，和十個曾孫兒女，正要回邁阿密。然後，她問我是做什麽的。
我告訴了她我的職業，原以爲她會向我求問一些免費的專業建議。
結果她往後一靠，拿起一本雜誌並說，「如果你有什麽事想要知道，儘管問我。」
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist। The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston। Then she inquired what I did for a living।
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”
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一個問題兒童的母親接受一位精神病理醫生的勸導﹕「妳為妳的孩子太操心了。我建議妳定時服用鎮定劑。」
在她另一次看診時醫生問﹕「鎮定劑是有否安定了妳的心情？」
這位母親答道﹕「有。」
醫生問﹕「那麼妳的孩子現在怎樣了？」
她回應﹕「管他幹嘛？」
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquillizers regularly.”
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquillizers calmed you down?”
“Yes” the mother answered.
“And how is your son now?” he asked.
“Who cares?” she replied.
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在熱鬧的聖誕節購物時，一位女士掉了她的手提袋。有一個誠實的小男孩揀到且還给她。當她看她的錢包時，她評論說，「嗯 .... 奇怪，當我失去了我的手提袋子時，我衹有一張20元的鈔票。現在有20張一元的鈔票。」
男孩很快就回答說， 「你沒看錯，女士。上次我曾揀到一位女士的錢包時，她因為沒有零錢可找，而無法賞我獎金。」
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm.... That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
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小約翰第一天上課回家，媽媽問他上課情形，他說：『老師今天問我，我還有沒有弟弟或妹妹會進來這個學校。』媽媽問他：『你有沒有告訴你的老師，你是媽媽唯一的心肝寶貝？』約翰說：『有啊！』媽媽問『那老師怎麼說？』老師說：『感謝神！』
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一位爸爸下班回到家很晚了，很累並有點煩，發現他五歲的兒子靠在門旁等他。
『爸，我可以問你一個問題嗎？』
『當然可以，什麼問題？』父親回答。
『爸，你一小時可以賺多少錢？』
『這與你無關，你為什麼問這個問題？』父親生氣的說著；
『我只是想要知道，請告訴我，你一小時賺多少錢？』小孩哀求著。
『假如你一定要知道的話，我一小時賺20塊美金。』
『喔！』小孩低著頭這樣回答著，小孩說：『爹地，可以借我10塊美金嗎？』
父親發怒了，『如果你問這問題只是要借錢去買毫無意義的玩具或東西的話，給我回到你的房間並上床，好好想想為什麼你會那麼自私，我每天長時間辛苦工作著，沒時間和你玩小孩子的遊戲。』
小孩安靜地回自己房並關上門。
這位父親坐下來還對小孩的問題生氣，他怎麼敢只為了錢而問這種問題？
約一小時後，他平靜下來了，開始想著他可能對孩子太兇了；或許他應該用那10塊錢美金買小孩真正想要的，讓他不用常常要錢，父親走小孩的房門並打開門。
『孩子，你睡了嗎？』他問著，
『爸，還沒，我還醒著。』小孩回答著，
『我想過了，我剛剛可能對你太兇了。』父親說著，『我將今天的悶氣都爆發出來了，這是你要的10塊錢美金。』
小孩笑著坐直了起來，『爹地，謝謝你』小孩叫著，接著小孩從枕頭下拿出一些被弄皺了的鈔票，這父親看到
小孩已經有錢了，快要再次發脾氣，這小孩慢慢地算著錢，接著看著他的爸爸，
『為什麼你已經有錢了還要要更多？』父親生氣的說著，
『因為我之前不夠，但我現在足夠了。』小孩回答，『爸，我現在有20塊錢了，我可以向你買一個小時的時間嗎？明天請早一點回家，我想和你一起吃晚餐。』
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一個稚幼小兒，犯了小小的過錯，夜間向父親傾訴，跪倒在父親膝前，淚眼汪汪禱告：「親愛慈悲的神，在你凡事都能，助我長大成人，又聰明、又強健，像我爸爸一樣。」，不久小兒睡了，父親起來跪在床前，向主承認禱告：「求主除去我的罪性，賜我赤子之心，叫我潔白無邪，全心信賴交託，像我兒子一樣！」
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Quotes引證 :
We spend the first 2 years of children’s life teaching them to walk and talk. Then we spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and keep quiet.
Sometimes we’re so concerned about giving our children what we never had growing up, we neglect to give them what we did have growing up. James Dobson
What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Mark Twain
Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. Robert Fulghum
There are two things you give to your children. One is roots and the other is wings.
In matters of style, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock. Thomas Jefferson
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CHRISTLIKENESS 效法基督
There was a small Christian sect of an exclusive nature which was holding a convention. Outside the auditorium there was displayed the motto, “Jesus Only.” A strong wind blew the first three letters away, so that the sign read, “Us Only.” Isn’t that too often the sign that our prayers, attitudes, and behavior present to the world? And then we expect God to bless us. (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 744)
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看見她的兩個兒子爭奪最後一塊比薩餅，母親說：「你們這兩個男孩，行為應該更像耶穌才對，如果他在這裡，他將會給他的兄弟這最後一塊」
哥哥看著弟弟說，「馬蒂，來！你作耶穌。」
Seeing her two sons fighting over the last piece of pizza the mother said, “You boys should be acting more like Jesus, if He were here He would give His brother the last piece”
The older brother looked at his younger sibling and said,
“Marty, you be Jesus”
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一個十歲的猶太人男孩數學很不好，他的父母試了很多方法，從為他請家庭教師到催眠，無所不用其極，但都無法使他的數學好起來。最後在一個朋友的堅持下，他們決定將他轉學到一個私立的天主教學校。
第一天上課回家，那男孩帶著非常嚴肅和專注的表情直奔他的房間，安靜地關上門，將近兩個小時，他在房間裡非常用功，書桌上和地上滿是數學書本，很久之後才出來。匆匆忙忙吃完飯，又馬上回到房間，關上門繼續用功直到睡覺時間。這樣的模式一直持續，直到第一學季的成績單出來，男孩把打開的成績單，放在餐桌上，又馬上衝進房間。他的母親小心翼翼地打開成績單，竟然看到男孩的數學成績得到一個大紅色的A。
他母親和他父親狂喜地進入男孩的房間，為他顯著的進步非常興奮。他父親問道：「是不是因為修女的關係？」男孩搖搖頭說不是。「那是不是因為一對一的家教」男孩說：「也不是。」那是課本的關係，還是老師的緣故？還是因為課程改變？男孩都說不是。最後，男孩說：「當我第一天走進前門，看到一個人被釘在加號上面，我就知道他們是玩真的了。」
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card.
The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red ‘A’ under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. “Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked. The boy shook his head and said “No.” “Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No.” “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?” “No”, said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!”
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有一位西方傳教士到印度宣教。起先，印度人稱他為：「白人先生。」慢慢當地人跟他交往熟了，便稱他為：「可敬的白人。」最後印度人發現他心地善良，處處為印度人的利益設想，便改口稱他為：「白色的印度人」，也就是說他們完全與他認同、接納他當作自己的族人了。又有一回，一個印度人在車禍中腿部受傷，他就把那人接到家裡，為他洗腳、敷藥療傷。眾人看見他做出這樣仁慈的事，便改口稱他為：「上帝差來的人。」那位傳教士有著耶穌基督的心腸，因為耶穌來不是受眾人的服事，乃是來服事眾人。
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Quotes引證 :
A Christian man is most free lord of all, and subject to none; a Christian man is the most dutiful servant of all, and subject to everyone. Martin Luther
Those who make comfort the great subject of their preaching seem to mistake the end of their ministry. Holiness is the great end. Comfort is a cordial but no one drinks cordials from morning to night. John Henry Newman
In our modern world, our real danger comes not from irreligion, but from mild religion. D. Elton Trueblood.
The true call of a Christian is not to do extraordinary things, but to do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
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CHURCH 教會
有一位既年輕又慵懶的農夫，農作物歉收。工作沒有成果，以致他的收成不佳。所以他決定作一個改變，可能他想成為傳道人。
有一天，他正苦思他的未來出路時，他抬頭望著迅速變化的天空，他看見P, C字型的雲。他就想著：「傳講基督！」。隨後他前往隔州讀聖經學院，讓人人確信他是有「呼召」的。
不需多言，他對功課表現的也很慵懶，從創世紀研究到講道學都沒有通過。
最後他被叫到校長辦公室。當他對著校長解釋他的「呼召」時，最後校長不再關切他的問題就回說：「看阿！年輕人！事奉上帝不是為懶散的人準備的。至於你所提的PC，是指「種玉蜀黍」。
A young but lazy farmer was having a bad year at the farm. His work had not paid off, so his harvest was going to be very poor. So he decided it was time for a change: perhaps he would become a preacher.
One day, as he was mulling on what to do with his future, he looked up to the sky and presto, he saw the clouds forming the words P. C. That’s it he thought: “PREACH CHRIST”! Off he went to the bible college in the next state, convincing everyone that he had a “calling.”
Needless to say, he was also lazy also in his studies, and failed every subject from Genesis to Preaching.
Finally he was called to the office. As he explained his “calling,” the president finally discerned his problem, and said. “Look young man, the ministry is not for slothful people. And as for “PC” that stands for “PLANT CORN!”
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某一週日上午在聖路易斯城，有一位陌生人叫住一位警員並請他推薦當地一間教會。警員指引他去有一小段距離的教會。
「我沿路看見不少教會，到底發生什麼事。」陌生人問著。「為何你不推薦我去這些教會呢？」
「老實說！」警員回著說：「我本身是不信教的，但是常常看見一群人從我推薦你去的教會走出來，他們很快樂。反而這些教會卻不是這樣。如果我決定去教會，我會去那一間。在那，他們會得到快樂。」
A stranger in St. Louis stopped a policeman one Sunday morning and asked him to recommend a church. He directed him to one at a little distance. “What’s the matter with these other churches that I see along the way?” asked the stranger. “Why don’t you recommend them?” “To tell the truth,” replied the policeman, “I am an unbeliever myself, but people coming out of that church are always happy. They are different. If I ever decided to go to church, that’s where I’d go. They’ve got something there that makes them happy.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 929)
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Many people today treat religion as a matter of convenience. They have to belong somewhere to be considered respectable. A clergyman once met an old schoolmate of whose activities he had long been ignorant, and finding him a judge of good standing congratulated him upon his success in life. As they were parting, the clergyman said to him, “And best of all, Judge, I find you are a member of our church.” “Well,” said the judge, “that’s more a matter of chance than anything else. You see, when I was getting established in my profession, my wife and I thought we ought to join a church—it was the respectable thing to do. So, after mature deliberation, we settled down with a certain denomination and got on very well for a time; but they kept harping on faith, till we pretty soon discovered that they required more faith than we had; so it became necessary to make a change. We turned the matter over considerably and at last, for various reasons, made up our minds to join another denomination. Here we found the demand was work, work incessantly; and it was presently apparent that they demanded more work than we were able to perform. It was with great reluctance that we concluded that we must change again, and we cast about with much caution, that this move might be final. At last we decided to connect ourselves with your church, sir, and have gotten along famously ever since without either faith or works.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 544)
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多年前在某間神學院有一個慣例，就是在課堂講道的學生隔天被叫到校長室安靜談論他的講道狀況。有一次偶發事件，這位既是牧師又是聖潔的老校長對一位年輕的學生說：「昨天你講的道很好，真理的解析有條理且有好的表現。但是你的道有一個遺憾，這是很嚴重的事。對像我這樣可憐的罪人卻沒有給我一句話。」
Years ago it was the custom in a certain theological college for the student who had preached a sermon in class to go into the principal’s office next morning for a quiet talk about his work. On one such occasion, the revered and saintly old principal said to the young man before him, “It was a good sermon you gave yesterday; the truth you dealt with was well-arranged and well presented. But your sermon had one omission, a grave one. There was no word in it for a poor sinner like me.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 546)
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有一位正投入新教會事奉的傳道人，在第一次講道時得到很高的讚賞。有一群人告訴他說這篇信息剛好是會眾所需要的。下一主日他講得很好，但是會眾感到極大的困惑因為他傳講同上主日的一篇信息。第三個主日他再次傳講同樣的道，在開會期間等著傳道人解釋。他說：「為何又是同一篇道？在第一主日你們告訴我你們多麼需要這篇道，我觀察整個星期看你們的生活有沒有改變，結果沒有改變。所以我再講一次。再次觀察一星期，我發現依舊沒變。你們不會希望我會在下主日又講一遍嗎？」
A minister, on taking a new church, was highly complimented on his first sermon. A number of people told him it was just what the congregation needed. The next Sunday he preached well again, but the congregation was greatly puzzled because he preached the same sermon as before. The third Sunday, when the same sermon was preached again, the session waited on the preacher for an explanation. He said, “Why, yes it is the same sermon. You told me the first Sunday how much you needed just that, and I watched all week for some change in your lives, but there was none, so I preached it again. I watched all next week; still no change; and I don’t see any yet. Don’t you think I’d better prepare to preach it again next Sunday?” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 547)
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「馬馬虎虎牧師，他不是一位有深度的的傳道人？」朋友問著。「好啦！」另一人笑著說：「我跟你說個故事。當我還是小孩時，我和其他的孩童正在游泳池歡樂著，有一些人去的位置離我有意要去還要遠，我感到害怕。剛好有一個人路過我叫著：「池子深嗎？」
「不，孩子！」他回說：「那只是骯髒的水吧！」
“Isn’t Rev. So-and-so a deep preacher?” asked a friend. “Well,” replied the other smiling. “I’ll tell you a story. When I was a boy I was amusing myself with some other boys in a pool. Some of them were going farther out than I was disposed to go, and I was frightened. To a man who was passing by I called out, ‘Is the pool deep?’ ‘No, son,’ he replied, ‘it’s only muddy.’” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 548)
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有一位平信徒在出差旅行期間來到俄亥俄州一間大教會拜訪。在崇拜結束後，他對著在服事和講道的傳道人賀喜。「但是」製造商說：「如果你是我的行銷人員，我不會雇用你。你吸引我的注意是藉著你的外表、聲音、儀態、禱告、閱讀和邏輯的對話引起我的興趣。你所傳講的信息溫暖我的心，然而你停下卻沒有問我要做什麼事。在商場，獲得人群的簽名同意是重要的事阿！。」
有一位信徒趁著出差俄亥俄州，來到一個城市的大教堂聚會。崇拜聚會結束後，他向牧師表達對聚會和信息的祝賀之意。
這位從事於製造業者說，「如果你是我的推銷員，我會解雇你；你的外表、聲音、態度都引起我相當的注意力；你的禱告、讀經、講道在在都喚起我的興趣；你的信息溫暖了我渴慕的心，然而你並未要求我任何事就結束了；在生意上最重要的是那臨門一腳，要求對方簽訂合約。」
A layman visited a great city church in Ohio during a business trip. After the service he congratulated the minister on his service and sermon. “But,” said the manufacturer, “if you were my salesman, I’d discharge you. You got my attention by your appearance, voice, and manner; your prayer, reading, and logical discourse aroused my interest; you warmed my heart with a desire for what you preached; then you stopped without asking me to do something about it. In business, the important thing is to get people to sign on the dotted line.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 549)
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當你傳福音時你要的是果子。有一個人聽了很感動的信息後，朋友問他是否記得內容。 “真的，”他說，“我什麼都沒有記得，但是因著這個信息我成為一個不同的人。”與這個對比的是，有一個人被問到他覺得一篇在教會中產生很大迴響的信息如何？他的回答對我們可能有一些重要的教訓。 “很不錯，先生，但一個人不能靠著鮮花而活。
It’s fruit that you want when you present the gospel. Someone who had heard a moving sermon was asked by a friend what he remembered of it. “Truly,” he said, “I remember nothing at all, but I am a different man as a result of it.” Contrast that with what another man answered when he was asked what he thought of a sermon that had produced a great sensation among the congregation. His reply may hold an important lesson for some of us. “Very fine, sir; but a man cannot live upon flowers.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 553)
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「講道結束了沒？」會眾中有一位問另一會友。
「還沒有，傳道人講的道是結束了，但是主日的信息必須在我們生活當中活出。」這位力求實踐的會友回答著。（摘自聖經真理圖解# 554)）
“Is the sermon done?” asked one member of the congregation of another. “No, the preacher is done, but the sermon has to be worked out in our lives,” replied the practical listener. (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 554)
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Bishop Latimer once preached a sermon before King Henry VIII that greatly offended his royal auditor by its plainness. The King ordered him to preach again the next Sunday and to make public apology for his offense. The Bishop ascended the pulpit and read his text, and thus began his sermon: “Hugh Latimer, dost thou know before whom thou art this day to speak? To the high and mighty Monarch, the King’s most excellent Majesty, who can take away thy life if thou offendest. Therefore take heed that thou speakest not a word that may displease. But then, consider well, Hugh! Dost thou not know from whom thou comest—upon whose message thou art sent? Even by the great and mighty God, who is all-present and beholdeth all thy ways, and who is able to cast thy soul into hell! Therefore take care that thou deliverest thy message faithfully.” And so beginning, he preached over again, but with increased energy, the selfsame sermon he had preached the week before. The fear of God delivered him from the fear of man. (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 523)
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One day a very learned preacher was met by an illiterate preacher who despised education. “Sir, you have been to college, I suppose?” “Yes, sir,” was the reply. “I am thankful,” replied the illiterate preacher, “that the Lord opened my mouth without any learning.” “A similar event,” answered the learned clergyman, “took place in Balaam’s time, when his ass spoke; but such things are of rare occurrence in the present day. Maybe you are one of the rarities.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 524)
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有一個教會需要聘請牧師。有一個應試者來講有關地獄的道。下週日另一名應試者的講道也是地獄，他的基本教導和第一位的一樣。當教會的成員開始投票時，他們選了第二個人。當他們被問為什麼時，他們說：“第一個人講道時，好像他很高興人們都去地獄，而第二個人似乎對這些去地獄的人感到遺憾。
A church was in need of a pastor. A candidate came who preached on hell. The next Sunday another candidate came whose sermon was also on hell, and his fundamental teaching was the same as that of the first one. When the members of the church were called upon to vote, they voted for the second candidate. When they were asked why, the answer was, “The first one spoke as if he were glad that people were going to hell, while the second seemed sorry for it.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 526)
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We preachers desperately need the advice which an aged minister gave a young man who was just entering upon his life work as a shepherd of God’s flock. “My son,” he said, “feed the sheep; do not beat them. If a sheep is well fed, he can endure and will submit to some harsh treatment, but to starve and beat him at the same time is likely to prove fatal.”
(from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 529)
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Said an archbishop to the manager of the acting group, “Tell me, how is it that you actors hold the attention of your audience so vividly that you cause them to think of things imaginary as if they were real, while we of the church speak of things that are real but our congregations take them as imaginary?” The reason is plain,” answered the actor. “We actors speak of things imaginary as if they were real; while too many in the pulpit speak of things real as if they were imaginary.” It was said of one famous old preacher, “He showed us the fires of hell, and then he swept our souls up to the gates of heaven.” When you talk about Christ, you have to believe in the transforming power of the gospel if you expect to convince anyone of its power to save. (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 530)
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有一位年輕牧師在一個大學城牧會，由於恐怕會遭受到那些有教養、有學問會眾的批評而覺得很不安，去尋求他那聰明的老牧師爸爸的幫助。
他說， 「老爸、我覺得對於目前所服事的傳道事工有重大的缺陷；我如果引用地質學事證、有一位教科學的教授就坐在前面；我如果舉羅馬神話的實例、可能有另一位教授會針對一點小小的不精確跟我沒完沒了；我如果提到一些喜歡的英文文學相關的、我將會因面臨一位教授那個領域的專家學者而顫抖；我該如何是好？」
睿智的老年人說， 「不用氣餒，只要宣講福音；
他們大概對於這個懂得很少。」
A young minister in a college town was embarrassed by the thought of criticism from his cultured congregation. He sought counsel from his father, a wise old minister, saying, “Dad, I am handicapped in my ministry in the pulpit I am now serving. If I cite anything from geology, there is Prof. A, teacher of this science, right before me. If I use an illustration from Roman mythology, there is Prof. B ready to trip me up for any little inaccuracy. If I mention something in English literature that pleases me, I am cowered by the presence of the learned man that teaches that branch. What shall I do?” The sagacious old man replied, “Do not be discouraged; preach the gospel. They probably know very little of that.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 533)
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當喬治潘特克牧師在愛丁堡市講完道後，霍雷修斯邦那把他的手在他的肩膀說，“你愛對人講道，不是嗎？”潘特克回答：“是的。“邦那說，”那你愛那些聽你講道的人嗎？
When the Rev. George Pentecost had finished a discourse in the city of Edinburgh, Horatius Bonar put his hand upon his shoulder and said, “You love to preach to men, don’t you?” and Dr. Pentecost answered, “Yes.” Then Mr. Bonar said, “Do you love the men you preach to?” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 511)
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有一天，坎貝爾摩根禱告，主似乎對他說，“你希望成為我的僕人或是一個偉大的傳道人？”摩根說：“希望我都不是，主？”他靈裡因此開始爭扎，因為他想到，上帝可能要我成為一個不知名的傳道人在一個偏僻的地方。然後摩根順服的禱告，“主啊，我最大的願望是成為你的僕人！”神回應他使他成為那時代最偉大的傳道人之一。
One day as G. Campbell Morgan prayed, the Lord seemed to say to him, “Which do you want to be—a servant of mine or a great preacher?” Morgan replied, “May I not be both, Lord?” A spiritual struggle ensued as he thought, God may want me to be an unknown minister in an obscure place. Then Morgan submissively prayed, “O Lord, my greatest wish is to be a servant of Thine!” The Lord responded by making him one of the greatest preachers of his time. (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 512)
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一位年輕的傳道人剛從神學院就去前線當軍牧。他告訴士兵們，他讓他們選擇是否要他講道或講些有趣的故事。一個高大耿直的人說：“如果你從3000英里外來到這裡跟一群士兵講道，其中一些人在三天內可能就進入永恆，而你不知道是否要對他們講道或講些有趣的故事，我想你最好就直接說一些有趣的故事就好了。
A young preacher fresh from seminary went to the front as a chaplain. He announced to the soldiers that he would let them choose whether they wanted him to preach a sermon or tell them funny stories. A tall, blunt-speaking fellow arose and said, “If you have come three thousand miles to talk to a bunch of soldiers, some of whom are going into eternity within three days, and you don’t know whether to preach to them or tell them funny stories, I suspect you had just better go ahead and tell something funny.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 516)
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我怎樣才能使群眾參加我的聚會？“一位年輕的牧師問約翰衛斯理。衛斯理答道，“要火熱，然後人將會看你被神燃燒，”很可悲的，我們有這麼多睡著的傳道人和無聲音的講道。亨利比雀過去常說，“如果一個人在我證道時睡著，我不會叫一個人去叫醒他，但我覺得要有一個人來叫醒我。
“How can I get crowds to attend my services?” asked a young preacher of John Wesley. Replied Wesley, “Get on fire and people will come out to see you burn.” It is pathetic that we have so many sleepy preachers and noiseless sermons. Henry Ward Beecher used to say, “If a man sleeps under my preaching, I do not send a boy to wake him up, but I feel that a boy had better come and wake me up.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 517)
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有一位年輕人剛剛成為一間大教堂的牧師，在一個會眾的歡迎會上、有一個愛說長道短的婦人用尖刻的語氣對他說， 「我真搞不懂你怎麼敢接受這麼一個要使七百位會眾都覺得滿意的工作。」
神啟示他靈光一閃地回答，說， 「我來到這個城市不是要討七百人的喜歡，而是只討一位的喜悅；我如果能討得祂的喜悅就夠了。」
A young man had just become pastor of a large church. At a reception given him by his people, one of the gossips, a woman with a dangerous tongue, came up and said, “I do not understand how you dared attempt the task of pleasing seven hundred people.” Quick as a flash the Lord gave him the answer. He replied, “I did not come to this city to please seven hundred people. I have to please only One; and if I please Him, all will be well.”
(from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 519)
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一個老執事曾經被問到他的教會的狀況。他回答說：“我們很悲傷，教會退步了，日趨嚴重。但是，感謝上帝，沒有其他在我們附近的教會做的更好。
An old deacon was once asked about the state of his church. He replied, “We are in sad straits; the church is slipping back, getting worse all the time; but, thank the Lord, none of the other churches in our neighborhood is doing any better.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 115)
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“I once asked a minister how he had got through a certain service. He answered grimly:
“‘Well, bishop, the service was soothing, moving and satisfactory.’
“‘Yes,’ I said a little puzzled.
“‘Yes, exactly,’ said he. ‘It was soothing because over half the congregation went to sleep. It was moving because half of the other half left before I was through. And it must have been satisfactory, inasmuch as I wasn’t asked to come again.’”
(More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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The clergyman’s eloquence may have been at fault, still he felt annoyed to find that an old gentleman fell asleep during the sermon on two consecutive Sundays. So, after service on the second week, he told the boy who accompanied the sleeper that he wished to speak to him in the vestry.
“My boy,” said the minister, when they were closeted together, “who is that elderly gentleman you attend church with?”
“Grandpa,” was the reply.
“Well,” said the clergyman, “if you will only keep him awake during my sermon, I’ll give you a nickel each week.”
The boy fell in with the arrangement, and for the next two weeks the old gentleman listened attentively to the sermon. The third week, however, found him soundly asleep.
The vexed clergyman sent for the boy and said: “I am very angry with you. Your grandpa was asleep again today. Didn’t I promise you a nickel a week to keep him awake?”
“Yes,” replied the boy, “but grandpa now gives me a dime not to disturb him.”
(More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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An Episcopal rector and a Roman Catholic priest had neighboring churches and didn’t get along very well. After some time, however, they got together and decided to bury the hatchet.
“For, after all,” said he of the Episcopal faith, “we are both doing the Lord’s work.”
“That is true,” said the priest. “Let us therefore do his work to the best of our ability: you in your way,” concluded the priest, and then added with a twinkle, “and I in his!”
(More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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A clergyman was accustomed to use scientific terms which the people did not understand. A deputation waited on him with the request that in the future, whenever he used such terms, he would explain them.
On the following Sunday he used the word “hyperbole,” and added:
“As agreed on, I beg to explain this word. Were I to say that at this moment the whole of my congregation are sound asleep, it would be hyperbole; but if I say that one-half are asleep, that is not hyperbole, but the truth.” (More Toasts, Gertrude Stein)
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A woman approached the minister and thanked him for his sermon. “I found it so helpful,” she said. The minister replied: “I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach.” “Why, what do you mean?” asked the astonished woman. “Well,” said the minister, “that sermon lasted you three months.”
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當傳道人在證道時，有一個人睡著了。這傳道人提高了他的音亮並敲打講壇，但那個人都沒有醒來。最後，傳道人執事說；“去叫醒那個人了。”執事回答說，“你自己去叫醒他吧，因為是你使他睡著的！“
While the minister was speaking, a man fell asleep. The minister raised his voice and pounded the pulpit but the man would not wake up. Finally, the minister called to the deacon, “Go wake that man up.” The deacon replied, “Wake him up yourself. You put him to sleep!”
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一位牧師退休後搬到鄉下去享受人生，做他所喜歡的庭園工作，需要一台除草機，他前往鎮購買途中，看到一個賣二手除草機的廣告，他就停在屋子前面，一個年輕小夥子走出來接待他，牧師向他詢問除草機時，小夥子說它在房子的後面，然後帶牧師去看，機器在慢速時發出霹啪的聲音，牧師把速度加快且試除了幾行草，滿意且以美金25元成交。
當天，牧師正在拉著啟動的繩子時，小夥子騎著腳踏車過來偷看，看了幾分鐘後年輕人問道：「怎麼了？」
牧師說：「我無法啟動機器，你知道怎麼做嗎？」
孩子回答：「是啊!」
牧師叫道：「你告訴我你是怎麼啟動的？」
孩子回答：「你必須詛咒它」
牧師說：「你聽好，我是個牧師，即使我曾詛咒過，這麼多年我也已經忘了如何詛咒了」
年輕人慧詰的笑道：「牧師你繼續拉那條繩子，詛咒的能力會完全恢復的！」
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, “What’s wrong?” The reply came, “I can’t get this mower started. Do you know how?” The kid said, “Yep.” “Well, how do you do it? Tell me!”, the preacher yelled. The kid replied, “You have to cuss it.” The preacher rose up indignantly. “Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I’ve forgotten how to do it after all these years.” With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, “Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it’ll all come back to ya.”
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在幾乎所有宗教的宗派中，為了成為一個牧師或者一位傳道人，你的神學必須被測試。 你必須被檢驗確定，至少根據那個一點宗派的觀點，你在神學上是可靠的。 我知道有一個宗派會把候選人放在有經驗的傳道人和平信徒領袖面前，他們可以問任何神學上的問題，直到他們對候選人在神學上的可靠性滿意爲止．在這評審團當中有一位老傳道人，35年來他對每一位的候選人都問同樣的一個問題．他問候選人，「請看窗外好嗎？」候選人照做了．
「當你在窗外看到一個人時請告訴我．」
「我看到了一個人．」
「你認識這個人嗎？」
「先生，我不認識他．」
「很好，你能用神學的觀點描述那個人嗎？」
他問了這個問題35年，他發現答案不出兩大類型．第一類的人會說「那人是一個罪人，他需要上帝在耶穌基督裏拯救的能力．」第二類的人則說「不論這個人知不知道，他是神的孩子，被上帝的愛所擁抱，被上帝的恩典所環繞．」
老傳道人下了一個評論，「我認爲這兩种答案，從技術層面來説，都是正確的，但在我的經驗中，給第二种答案的傳道人有比較好的事奉，因爲他不僅看到人們的現在，且看到人們在上帝裏的未來．」恩慈是不只看人現在的狀態，而且在光照中看到上帝如何重建他們的生命．
In almost every religious tradition, in order to become a priest or a minister you have to be tested on your theology. You have to be examined to make sure, at least from that point of view of that tradition, that you’re theologically sound. I know one tradition that puts candidates for the ministry in front of veteran ministers and lay leaders, and they can ask as many theological questions as they want, until they’re satisfied that the candidate is theologically sound. There’s one old minister in this group who has asked the same question for 35 years to every single ministerial candidate. He says to the candidate, “Will you look out the window?”
The candidate does.
“Tell me when you see a person out the window.”
“I see one.”
“Do you know that person?”
“No, sir, I don’t.”
“Good. Would you describe that person theologically?” He’s been asking that question for 35 years and he says that he has found that the answers tend to fall in one of two categories. Either they say “That person is a sinner in need of the saving power of God in Jesus Christ,” or they say, “Whether that person knows it or not, that person is a child of God, embraced by the love of God, surrounded by the grace of God.”
The old minister commented, “I suppose both of those answers, technically speaking, are correct, but it has been my experience that the ministers who give the second answer make the better ministers because they see people not just as they are, but as they will be in the future of God.” Kindness is the refusal to see people only in the present tense, but to see them in light of what God is doing to recreate their lives. (Thomas Long) http://www.30goodminutes.org/csec/sermon/long_4018.htm
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三個牧師聚在一起用晚餐。
第一個牧師說「你們知道嗎，從這個暑假開始我郵件麻煩事就是教會有老鼠。我已經試了很多的方法、噪音、噴劑、貓，但似乎就是嚇不走牠們。」
第二個牧師接著說：「是的，我也是，我也有幾百隻在教會的地下室，我放了補鼠器甚至找專家來滅鼠，但還趕不走牠們！」
第三位牧師滿臉笑容的說：「我也有過這樣的問題，所以我為所有的老鼠施洗同時將牠們變為教會的會友…從那時開始就沒有一隻回來過！！！」
Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with mice in my church. I’ve tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away. The second Pastor then said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I’ve set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won’t go away.” With a on his face, the third Pastor said, “I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven’t seen one back since!!!”
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你永遠不會在教堂裡聽到的事..............
1。嘿！輪到我坐在前排。
2。我是如此的著迷，我沒有注意到你的講道時間已經超過25分鐘。
3。我個人覺得作見證比打高爾夫球更讓人喜悅。
4。我決定奉獻給我們教會每個月我用來奉獻給電視佈道家的500元。
5。我志願成為永久的初中主日學老師。
6。忘記教派最低工資，讓我們給我們的牧師薪水，讓他/她可以像我們一樣生活。
7。我很喜愛當我們唱從來沒有聽過的聖歌！
8。因為我們都已經在這裡，讓我們早點開始主日崇拜。
9。牧師，我們想送你去參加在巴哈馬群島的聖經研討會。
10。除了我們的年度管理競選，沒有什麼可以感動我並加強我對教會的委身，！
11。讚美神，我在教會外面找不到停車位置。
Things you never hear in church..............
1. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
11. I couldn’t find space to park outside. Praise God!
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楊士頓夫人無數次的來到她的牧師那裡並告訴他，“我好害怕！喬說，他會殺了我，如果我繼續來你的教會。“
“是的，是的，我的孩子，”牧師回答，其實他已經很厭倦的一再的聽到這件事。 “我將繼續為你祈禱，楊士頓夫人夫人，你要有有信心，主會看顧你。“
“哦，是的，祂使我迄今為止都安全，只是....."
“只是什麼，我的孩子？”
“好的，現在他說，如果我繼續來你的教會，他會殺了你！”
“好的，現在，”牧師說，“也許是時候去看看城市另一邊的小教堂，。”
For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her pastor to tell him, “I’m so scared! Joe says he’s going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”
“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. “I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you.”
“Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only.....”
“Only what, my child?”
“Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he’s going to kill YOU!”
“Well, now,” said the pastor, “Perhaps it’s time to check out that little church on the other side of town.”
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查理是一個常去賽馬場的人。一天下午，他注意到一個不尋常的景象。第一場比賽之前，一位天主教神父去馬棚為一隻馬祝福，查理非常仔細地觀看賽馬，果然，被祝福的馬得到第一名。
下一場比賽時查理跟著牧師，同樣的，神父去馬棚為另一隻馬祝福。查理趕緊把兩元賭注壓在那隻馬，然後贏得了近50美元！查理一直投注神父所祝福的馬，因此一直贏錢。
最後一場是大比賽，查理看到了神父所祝福的馬，他迅速跑到他的銀行，並領了他一生的積蓄20,000元，又回到了賽場，賭注在那隻馬身上！
他看著比賽並期待成為百萬富翁。那隻馬反而是最後一名，查理這時也破產了！他簡直不敢相信發生的事，因此他去找神父。
他問神父：“你祝福的馬發生了什麼事，因為你的祝福無效，我失去了我所有的錢！“
神父說：“那是你們新教徒的摁問題，因為你不能分辨什麼是祝福，什麼是臨終聖禮！”
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the Priest before the next race. Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life’s savings of $20,000, went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke! He couldn’t believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest.
He found the man and asked, “What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn’t work, I’ve lost all of my money!”
The Priest said “That’s the trouble with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!”
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一位年輕的傳道人申請牧師職位正接受該教堂董事會成員面談。在這董事中有一位勤奮的愛爾蘭人看著這位應徵的年輕傳道人並且問他說：年青人，上帝派你到我們這裡來嗎？ 他回答，嗯，我不知道是否上帝派我來這裡。 我試圖尋求上帝的心意並且查明你們是否要我成為你們的下一任牧師。
另一個董事會成員又問說：年青人，上帝派你到我們這裡嗎？年輕的傳道人有點無話可說，隔了些時候他說：我衹是經過l順便停留拜訪董事會而已。
董事會成員再次打斷並且說：年青人，上帝派你到我們這裡嗎？最後，年青的傳道人鼓足勇氣並且說，嗯我猜測上帝並沒有派我到這裡。我衹是順便來看看是否我們能一起同工。
一位董事會資深成員倒坐在他的位子並且說，那很好。前四位來應徵的都說上帝派他們來，我們祇找他們的麻煩其他並沒有什麼給他們。
A young minister was being interviewed by a church board for the position of pastor. One hard-working Irishman who was on the board looked at the young man sternly and asked, “Young man, did God send you here?” He replied, “Well, I don’t know if God sent me here. I am trying to find the will of God and find out if you would like me for your next pastor.”
The board member replied, “Young man, did God send you here?” The young minister was somewhat at a loss for words and came back again, “Well I just stopped by to talk with the board...”
The board member interrupted again and said, “Young man, did God send you here?” Finally, he screwed up his courage and said, “Well I guess God didn’t send me here. I just stopped by to see about whether we could get together.”
The old board member leaned back in his seat and said, “That’s good. The last four said that God had sent them, and we have nothing but trouble with all four of them.”
-----
A story is told about a man who was on a luxury liner and suddenly he falls overboard. He can’t swim and in desperation he begins calling for help. Now it just so happens that there several would be rescuers on deck who witnessed the incident. The first man was a MORALIST. When he saw the man fall overboard he immediately reached into his briefcase and pulled out a book on how to swim. He now tossed it to him and he yelled: “Now brother, you read that and just follow the instructions and you will be all right.”
The man next to him happened to be an IDEALIST. When he saw the man fall overboard he immediately jumped into the water and began swimming all around the drowning man saying: “Now just watch me swim. Do as I do and you will be all right.”
The person next to him happened to be a member of the INSTITUTIONAL CHURCH. He looked upon the drowning man’s plight with deep concern. He yelled out: “Now, just hold on friend. Help is on the way. We are going to establish a committee and dialogue your problem. And then, if we have come up with the proper financing, we will resolve your dilemma.”
The next man on the deck happened to be a representative of the school of POSITIVE THINKING. He yelled out to the drowning man: “Friend, this situation is not nearly as bad as you think. Think dry!”
The next man on board happened to be a REVIVALIST. By this time the drowning man was going down for the third time and desperately began waving his arm. Seeing that, the revivalist yelled out: “Yes brother, I see that hand, is there another? Is there another?”
And finally, the last man on deck was a REALIST. He immediately plunged into the water, at the risk of his own life, and pulled the victim to safety.
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The story is told of a preacher in Vermont who was running into some difficulty with his congregation over the strident nature of his sermons. He had lambasted the lack of racial diversity in the town, the high property taxes, the insensitivity of the merchants, and the lack of caring present in family relationships. This was too much, so an ad hoc committee was quickly assembled to meet with the young man to “set him straight.” The gathering took place in the church parlor right after worship.
The chair began, “Preacher, we are a little worried about the effect your preaching is having on the congregation. When you rail against materialism, the bankers and the merchants find that hard to take. And when you talk against the television preachers pursuing religion for profit, a lot of our folks send money to those people. And when you start talking about family values, why, a lot of our people are busy and commute to Boston and can’t just communicate with their children like you envision. And, heck, you make us feel bad about being white and wealthy. Can’t you find something else to preach about?”
Totally exasperated, the preacher asked: “Well, what do you people suggest I preach about?” From the back of the room came a clear voice: “Why don’t you preach about the communists?” “But we don’t have any communists in our town, in Vermont,” he answered. “Exactly. Preach about them!” Harold C. Warlick, Jr., LIGHT IN THE LAND OF SHADOWS, CSS Publishing Company, Lima, Ohio, 1996.
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Several years ago a reader of the British Weekly wrote a letter to the editor as follows:
“Dear Sir! I notice that ministers seem to set a great deal of importance on their sermons and spend a great deal of time in preparing them. I have been attending services quite regularly for the past thirty years and during that time, if I estimate correctly. I have listened to no less than three thousand sermons. But, to my consternation, I discover I cannot remember a single one of them. I wonder if a minister’s time might be more profitably spent on something else? Sincerely...”
The letter kicked up quite an editorial storm of angry responses for weeks. The pros and cons of sermons were tossed back and forth until, finally, one letter ended the debate. This letter said: “My dear Sir: I have been married for thirty years. During that time I have eaten 32,850 meals - mostly of my mom’s cooking. Suddenly I have discovered that I cannot remember the menu of a single meal. And yet, I received nourishment from every one of them. I have the distinct impression that without them, I would have starved to death along time ago.
Sincerely...”
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你上教堂嗎？ 當然我們去。
像我們的同儕的其他人一樣。
除了在那太熱，或者太冷，或者太潮濕的那幾天。
然後當然在夏季，
僅僅為了保持他們達到出席水平，
我們每個星期日帶那些孩子，
乘坐汽車去兜兜風。
有時在春天和秋季，我也會讓自己在禮拜天請個假。
漫步於鄉村俱樂部，
打打高爾夫球。
但是其他的星期日，
你將在我們的教堂座位中找到我們
因為我們總是去教堂
這是當我們沒有什麼事情可做的時候。
Attend a church? Of course we do.
Like others in our set.
Except on days that seem to be
Too hot, or cold, or wet.
And then of course in summer
Just to keep them up to par
We take the kids on Sundays
For a joy ride in the car.
Sometimes, too, in spring and fall
I take a Sunday off
And hike me to the country club
To have a game of golf.
But all other Sundays
You will find us in our pew
For we always go to church
When we’ve nothing else to do.
-----
新牧師和他的前任握手並且收到辦公室的鑰匙。新牧師的監督對他說：我在書桌裡為你留下3 個信封。只有在碰到嚴重問題時才能打開他們。
在6 個月之後因為教堂的預算無法編列，他碰到第一個問題。因此年輕的牧師打開第一個信封。裡面提到說：修改教會法規。他照著做了。
6 個月以後他在崇拜的服事革新方案上，又受到教堂董事會的攔阻反對。於是 他打開第2 個信封。信封中提到：更換你的人員，他也照樣做了。
The new pastor shook hands with his predecessor and received the keys to the office. The departing minister said, “I’m leaving you three envelopes in the desk. Open them only if you’re in serious trouble.”
After six months the church wasn’t making budget, so the young pastor opened the first envelope. It said, “Change the constitution.” So he did.
Six months later he faced a rebellion on the church board over his innovation in the worship services. He opened the second envelope. It said, “Change your staff.” So he did.
Six months later, attendance was down by half. In desperation he opened the last envelope, which said, “Prepare three letters for your successor.” (Robert Moeller, Leadership Summer 1992)
-----
First Member: I thought the sermon was divine. It reminded me of the peace of God. It passed all understanding.
Second Member: It reminded me of the mercies of God. I thought it would endure forever.
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A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody, get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd – no priest, minister or man of God was present (or in sight). “A priest, please!” the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. “Mr. Policeman,” says the man. “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany. So maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor dying man.” The policeman agreed and brought the old man over to where the dying man lay. The old man kneels down, leans over to the injured and says in a solemn voice: “B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. BINGO!’
-----
有一個故事說：有一個牧師某天在搭一個木棚架來支持正在爬的藤。
當他敲打時，他看到一個小男孩正在看他。這位男孩沒有說話，所以牧師繼續工作，思想小伙子馬上會走。但男孩沒有這樣做。最後，牧師問道：「小子，你是想學一些園藝技巧嗎？」 ，他回答說 「沒有 ，我只是想等著聽一個牧師當他用榔頭打到手指頭時會罵什麼。 」
There is a story about a pastor who was building a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine। As he pounded away, he saw that a little boy was watching him. The youngster didn’t say a word, so the pastor kept on working, thinking the lad would just leave. But he didn’t. Finally the pastor asked, “Well, son, are you trying to pick up some pointers on gardening?” “No,” he replied, “I’m just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer.”
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Your Pastor and mine
If he is young, he lacks experience; if his hair is grey, he is too old; if he has five or six children, he has too many; if he has none,
he is setting a bad example. If his wife sings in the choir, she is being forward; if she does not, she is not interested in her husband’s work.
If he speaks from notes, he has canned sermons and is dry; if he is extemporaneous, he is not deep. If he spends too much time in his study, he neglects his people; if he is visible, he is a gadabout. If he is attentive to the poor, he is playing to the grandstand; if to the wealthy, he is trying
to be an aristocrat.
If he suggests improvements for the church, he is a dictator; if he makes no suggestion, he is a figurehead. If he uses too many illustrations, he neglects the bible; if not enough, he is not clear.
If he condemns wrong, he is cranky; if he does not, he is a compromiser. If he preaches the truth, he is offensive; if not , he is a hypocrite. If he preaches an hour; he is windy; if less, he is lazy.
If he fails to please everybody; he is hurting the church; if he does please everybody, he has no convictions. If he preaches tithing, he is a money grabber; if he does not, he is failing to develop his people.
If he receives a large salary, he is mercenary; if a small salary, it proves he is not worth much. If he preaches all the time, the people get tired of hearing one man; if he invites guests preachers, he is shirking responsibility.
SO WHAT! They say the preacher has an easy time.
-----
小女孩首次來到教堂。當她與她的父母離開時，牧師問她是否喜歡聚會。
「我喜歡這裡的音樂」 她回答說，「但是廣告太長了。」
The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church.” I liked the music,” she replied, “but the commercial was too long.”
-----
WHERE ARE OUR PRIORITIES?
Funny how a $20 bill looks so big when we take it to church and so small when we take it to the store.
Funny how big an hour serving GOD looks and how small 60 minutes are when spent playing golf, fishing, etc.
Funny how laborious it is to read a chapter in the Bible and how easy it is to read 3,000 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how we believe what newspapers say but question what the Bible says.
Funny how we can’t think of anything to say when we pray and don’t have any difficulty thinking of things to talk to about to a friend.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust it for a social event at the last minute.
Funny how folks want to sit on the front row at a ball game or concert, but scramble to get a back seat at church services.
Funny how difficult to memorize scripture to share the simple gospel Message but how easy to hear and repeat gossip.
-----
健康公告
手持這張紙靠近你的鼻子，深吸一口氣。
如果紙變綠，你需要看醫生。
如果它會變成藍色，請見您的牙醫。
如果變成紅色，請見您的銀行經理。
如果變成黑色的，你需要檢查你的遺囑，所以立即去見您的律師。
然而，如果它不改變顏色，那麼就沒有什麼問題，所以，你沒有理由下週不再來教堂。
Bulletin Health
Hold this paper close to your nose and breath deeply.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you and so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
-----
A group of women were talking together. One woman said, “Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday.”
Another said, “That’s nothing. Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven.”
A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, “Why, it’s so bad in our church on Sundays that when the minister says ‘dearly beloved,’ it makes me blush.”
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一個小鎮有4 個教會分別是長老會，衛理公會，天主教徒和浸信會。
全部4 間教堂都有一個嚴重的松鼠問題。每間教堂都開了會，決定用他們自己的方法去處理松鼠的問題。
那些長老會教友的決定是，因那些松鼠是上天注定派他們在教堂裡的，他們只好與他們同住。
那些衛理公會教徒決定他們應該在查理斯‧韋斯利的風格裡寬宏大量的處理松鼠。 他們仁慈、小心翼翼的捕捉這些松鼠‧並且在城的邊緣一個公園中釋放他們。在3天內，這些松鼠全部又回到教堂中。
那些天主教徒也仁慈的捕捉這些松鼠，並且試圖教他們哪個當然教不會的節奏方法。
那些浸信會教友有最好的解決辦法。他們開會投票通過，決定松鼠成為他們的會員。現在他們只在耶誕節和復活節出現。
A small town had four churches Presbyterian, Methodist, Catholic and Baptist.
All four had a serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Catholics also humanely trapped them and attempted to teach them the “rhythm” method which of course did not work.
The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
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為了您的安全起見
- 不要乘坐汽車： 20％的致命意外由汽車引起的。
- 不要留在家：17％的意外事故發生在家裡。
- 不要走在街上或人行道：14％的意外事故發生在行人身上。
- 不要搭乘飛機，火車，或船：16％的意外事故發生於此。
- 只有0.001％的死亡發生在教堂禮拜，而些這些都與先前已有的病痛有關。
所以，在任何時刻，最安全的地方就是教堂內。 [查經班更安全，它的百分比更少。]
去教堂！它可以挽救你的生命！
For Safety’s Sake
- Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.
- Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents do occur in the home.
- Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians.
- Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.
- Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders.
Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church. [Bible study is safe, too. The percentage there is even less.]
Go to church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!
-----
Just before the beginning of the Sunday service at Saint Bartholomew’s on Fifth Avenue, New York City, a man wearing a large hat was discovered sitting in the front row. An usher moved to his pew, leaned in, and discreetly asked him to remove his hat. The man replied that he would not. The head usher was then summoned, made the same request, and received the same answer. About that time the president of the women of the parish arrived and was asked to assist. She had the same dismal result. Finally, with only two minutes remaining before the opening hymn, the senior warden of the parish was summoned. He tiptoed up beside the man and tried to seize the hat, but the man nimbly dodged and there was no time for further attempts.
As the opening hymn began and the procession entered the church the man stood, removed his hat and did not put it on again.
At the conclusion of the service, the four frustrated people waited for the man at the rear of the church. The senior warden approached him and said, “Sir, about the hat: perhaps you don’t understand, but in our church men do not wear hats at worship.” The man replied, “Oh but I do understand. I’ve been part of this denomination all my life. As a matter of fact, I’ve been coming to this church regularly for two years and I’ve never met a soul. But this morning I’ve met an usher, the head usher, the president of the church women, and the senior warden.”
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一位年輕的牧師正在一個教會牧會，但是每個星期天在聚會後，都有一人
不斷的講負面的東西。不論牧師談什麼話題，這名男子一直批評他。
一個星期天這個人說，「這是我聽過最差勁的講道。」
第二個星期天，那人又來了，跟大家說：「你看看那個叫佈道嗎？」
第三個星期日，他又叫：「這是我聽過最無聊的講道。」
牧師生氣的去找了長老們抱怨：「各位，這個人每個禮拜對我的信息都有批評」 。
其中一位說：「哦不用理他。他有神經毛病，他只會重複他聽別人講過的話」
A young preacher was working with a congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would have something negative to say. It didn't matter what the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, “That's about the sorriest sermon I ever heard.”
The next Sunday the man came by and said, “Do you call that a sermon?”
The third Sunday he said, “That is about the nearest nothing sermon I think I ever heard.”
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders and said, “Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some negative comment to make about my preaching.”
One of them said, “Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he repeats from other people...”
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Dear Pastor:
You often stress attendance at worship as being very important for a Christian, but I think a person has a right to miss now and then. I think every person ought to be excused for the following reasons and the number of times indicated:
Christmas (Sunday before or after)
New Year (Party lasted too long)
Easter (Get away for holidays)
July 4 (National holiday)
Labor Day (Need to get away)
Memorial Day (Visit hometown)
School Closing (Kids need break)
School Opens (One last fling)
Family Reunions (Mine & wife’s)
Sleep late (Saturday night activities)
Deaths in Family
Anniversary (Second honeymoon)
Sickness (One per family member)
Business Trips (A must)
Vacation (Three weeks)
Bad Weather (Ice, snow, rain, clouds)
Ball games
Unexpected Company (Can’t walk out)
Time changes (Spring ahead; fall back)
Special on TV (Super Bowl, etc.)
Pastor, that leaves only two Sundays per year. So, you can count on us to be in church on the fourth Sunday in February and the third Sunday in August unless providentially hindered.
Sincerely,
A Faithful Member
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在最近一個跨教派的會議中，一位秘書突然衝進高喊著：「大樓著火了！」
隨後：
衛理公會的人聚在角落裡禱告。
浸信會的人叫道：「水在哪裡？」
貴格會的人悄悄地稱讚上帝藉著大火所帶來的祝福。
路德會的人張貼公告，宣布火的邪惡。
天主教徒收奉獻來彌補火災的損失。
猶太人在大門上張貼符號，希望大火不會進入。
原教旨主義者宣稱，「這是上帝的報復！」
聖公會的人形成了遊行，大步走了出來。
科學教的得出結論認為：沒有火災發生。
長老會的人任命一名主席來成立一個委員會調查此事，並提交書面報告。
最後秘書抓起滅火器將火撲滅。
FIRE!
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”
The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, “Where is the water?”
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that the fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The fundamentalist proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
-----
Good News/Bad News for Ministers
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show,” “Beavis and Butthead” and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”
Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.
-----
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect minister preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect minister smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your minister does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other churches that are tired of their minister, too. Then bundle up your minister and send him to the church on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 ministers and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.
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一個主日的早上，一位老牛仔來到一間教堂剛好趕上崇拜聚會。雖然他和衣著看起來都很乾淨，卻穿著牛仔褲、棉布襯衫和老舊長筒靴 、頭上戴著一頂舊帽子、手上拿著一本舊聖經。
這間教堂位於城市的高級社區、是這位老牛仔從未看過的那麼漂亮的教堂。會眾也看起來都像是上流人士、穿著昂貴衣著。老牛仔找了個位置一坐下來，其他人卻挪移開他、沒有人問候他、和他講話歡迎他，會眾們沒有隱藏他們對於老牛仔外表的驚訝。牧師在冗長的證道中強調教會需要多少款項來作神的工。
當老牛仔將要離開教堂時，牧師過去和他打招呼請他幫個忙、說，「下次你來教堂之前、請和神談一下問祂應該穿什麼衣著來參加崇拜。「老牛仔保証他會照辦。
下一個主日，老牛仔穿著相同的襤褸的牛仔衣著又回到這間教堂，同樣地會眾迴避著他、忽視他； 牧師過來跟他說， 「我想我曾經請你和神談一下、」
老牛仔回答，「我有和神談過了」
牧師問，「那麼神說應該穿什麼衣著來這裡參加崇拜呢？」
老牛仔回答，「牧師、祂說祂沒有任何的線索來提示我該穿什麼衣著，
因為祂從未來過這間教堂。」
One Sunday an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin.
Although the old man and his clothes were clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn. He carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church was in a very upscale part of the city, the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were likewise upscale, dressed with the most expensive of clothes.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were appalled at his appearance and didn’t attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon and a lecture on how much money the church needed to do God’s work.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. “Before you come back, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.” The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he returned to the same church wearing the same ragged jeans. Again, the congregation shunned and ignored him. Again, the preacher approached him and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God”.... “
“I did,” replied the old cowboy.
“What exactly did God say was the proper attire for worshiping here?” asked the preacher.
“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear. He says He’s never been in this church.”
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奧馬利神父被邀請參加民主黨的聚會，來表明上帝是在他們當中。
到場時，他發現自己坐在一個不信者的旁邊。
「神父，我希望你能原諒我這樣講」 這個人開口說，「我從來不去教會。」
「為什麼不呢？」 神父問。
「坦白地說 ，我之所以不去，是因為那裡有那麼多偽君子。」
「這不應該讓你避開」 神父和藹地微笑著。 「總有空間多加一個人。」
Father O’Malley, who had been invited to show that God was on the side of the Democratic Party, found himself sitting next to a disbeliever.
“I hope you’ll forgive me for saying so, Father,” said the miscreant, opening up a conversation, “but I never go to church.”
“Why not?” asked the priest.
“Frankly, sir, the reason I don’t go is because there are so many hypocrites there.”
“That shouldn’t keep you away,” retorted the good Father, smiling blandly. “There’s always room for one more.”
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The Ideal Pastor
The ideal pastor is difficult to find. But if your church is fortunate, you may be able to secure his services. Since he is the ideal pastor, it won’t cost very much - he lives by faith. Yet he can be counted upon to tithe heavily and still be able to afford a large house in which he will regularly entertain the entire congregation.
He loves the older folks of the church, visiting them regularly. Besides this, he spends all of his time with the young people. The glow on his face reveals his secret. He’s spent many hours on his knees before God. However, he’s always available to anyone who drops by for a friendly chat. What’s a half-hour out of his schedule since he only works on Sunday anyway.
The ideal pastor loves to disciple new converts and gives full-time attention to calling on the elderly, ill, and shut-in. He has a model family, is always in the church office when you call and is busy at the hospital, just looking for a soul to comfort. He would never miss a church function, and attends every function sponsored by the ministerial association. In addition, he meets all his neighbors and civic leaders within the community and wins their hearts too.
The ideal pastor has a worldwide ministry through television, radio, tapes, and books and he travels extensively preaching the Word. He still has time, however, to listen to everyone’s problems and wants to be updated on the progress of your bunions and backaches.
The ideal pastor is only 29 and has been preaching 30 years. He preaches sermons that win the hearts of the lost and inspire the minds of the mature. He produces miracles like Smith Wigglesworth, teaches faith like Kenneth Hagin, evangelizes like Billy Graham, has the eloquence of Spurgeon and the fervor of Moody. Yet he is so profoundly simple that even preschoolers are blessed. Teenagers take notes on his sermons.
The ideal pastor comprehends the complexity of church finances, has mastery of the church budget, and never talks about money. He is a strong believer in holiness and church discipline and never speaks a stern word to anyone.
The ideal pastor is easily spotted. Just look for the man dressed in the latest style suit and color coordinated outfit. He found it at the bottom of the missionary barrel, but knows how important it is to impress well-to-do newcomers with clothes that say “success” and “achievement.”
The ideal pastor is tall, short, lean, and husky, with brown hair and blond hair. He has a deep, resonant voice which, because it is quietly loud, pleases everyone and is audible to the hard of hearing. He can sing, lead music, and delegates authority to everyone. Besides this, he helps each layman and does all the things other people are too busy to do. In short, he keeps the entire church and each family running smoothly.
You are probably sure by now that you don’t have the ideal pastor. Take heart! You can easily re-shape your present pastor. He should listen to what you say, after all, he is God’s servant.
On the other hand, if you happen to have the ideal pastor, just wait a little while and you won’t. He’ll be confined to a room at the hospital.
There is an alternative: love the pastor you do have and pray for him. You prayed, God answered, and now you have him - at least until he finds the ideal church full of ideal church members.
(Modified slightly from The Evangelical Beacon, magazine of the Evangelical Free Church of America, copyright 1984)
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一位年輕的牧師剛剛向會眾宣布，因他已接受別處的呼招，需要在此辭職。聚會後他照慣例站在門旁道別會友們，一個老婦人走近他，她的眼睛充滿了淚水。老婦人抽泣著說：「哦，牧師，我很遺憾你已經決定離開。這裡將不會像過去一樣了」。年輕人有些受寵若驚，但同樣的把婦人的雙手握住，並用最善意回答說 「親愛的夫人，上帝保佑妳 ，我相信上帝會給這教會的新牧師，甚至比我更好」她強忍抽泣的回答 「他們都是這麼說的，但是一個還是比一個糟」。
The young preacher had just announced to his congregation that he was requesting the dissolution of the pastoral relationship in order to accept another call. He was standing at the door after the service and greeting people, as preachers are wont to do, when one of the elderly saints approached him, her eyes swimming with tears. She sobbed, “Oh, pastor, I’m so sorry you’ve decided to leave. Things will never be the same again.” The young man was flattered, but was equal to the situation and took her hands in his and most benevolently replied, “Bless you, dear lady, but I’m sure that God will send you a new pastor even better than I.” She choked back a sob and was heard to say, “That’s what they all say, but they keep getting worse and worse.”
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The church was bowed in grief this week to learn that one of our most valuable members, Someone Else, passed away. This death creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Someone Else has been with us for many years, he did far more that a normal person’s share of the work. Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone’s mind: “Let Someone Else Do It!” Someone Else was also among the largest givers of the chruch. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed that Someone Else would make up the difference. This beloved church member was a wonderful person, sometims appearing super-human but a person can only do so much. Everybody expected to much from Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone. Who will pitch in to do the things that Someone Else did? If you are asked to take a job in the church, we hope you won’t reply, “Let Someone Else Do It!” Now we need you to pick up where Someone Else left off!
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幾個世紀前在歐洲的一個小山村，一個富裕的貴族在考慮應該留什麼樣的遺產給他的鄉民。他做了一個很好的決定，他決定蓋一間教會給他們。沒有人被允許看到或計劃內的教堂，直到它被完成。在它的盛大開幕時，人們聚集並驚嘆新教堂的美麗。
這是一個傑作。一切都該有的都在裡面。
但後來有人說：“等一下！燈在哪裡？這裡實在是很黑，教會將如何被點亮呢？”貴族指著牆壁上的托架，然後他給每個家庭一盞燈，要他們每一次崇拜都帶來。 “每次你在這裡'”貴族說，“你坐的地方會被點亮；每次你不在這裡，那個地方就會是暗的。這是為了提醒你，只要你不來教會，神的家有些部分將會是暗的“
Several centuries ago in a mountain village in Europe, a wealthy nobleman wondered what legacy he should leave to his townspeople। He made a good decision. He decided to build them a church. No one was permitted to see the plans or the inside of the church until it was finished. At its grand opening, the people gathered and marveled at the beauty of the new church.
Everything had been thought of and included. It was a masterpiece.
But then someone said, “Wait a minute! Where are the lamps? It is really quite dark in here। How will the church be lighted?” The nobleman pointed to some brackets in the walls, and then he gave each family a lamp, which they were to bring with them each time they came to worship. “Each time you are here’“ the nobleman said, “the place where you are seated will be lighted. Each time you are not here, that place will be dark. This is to remind you that whenever you fail to come to church, some part of God’s house will be dark”
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主日學老師在上教堂的途中問孩子們，「有人知道為什麼在教會聚會時需要安靜嗎？」 一個聰明的小女孩回答說：「因為大家都在睡覺。」
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
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三個牧師聚在一起用晚餐。
第一個牧師說「你們知道嗎，從這個暑假開始我郵件麻煩事就是教會有老鼠。我已經試了很多的方法、噪音、噴劑、貓，但似乎就是嚇不走牠們。」
第二個牧師接著說：「是的，我也是，我也有幾百隻在教會的地下室，我放了補鼠器甚至找專家來滅鼠，但還趕不走牠們！」
第三位牧師滿臉笑容的說：「我也有過這樣的問題，所以我為所有的老鼠施洗同時將牠們變為教會的會友…從那時開始就沒有一隻回來過！！！」
Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with mice in my church. I’ve tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away. The second Pastor then said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I’ve set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won’t go away.” With a on his face, the third Pastor said, “I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven’t seen one back since!!!”
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主日崇拜以後，小明忽然對母親宣布﹕『媽，我已經決定長大以後要當牧師。』
『當牧師很好呵，』媽媽說﹕『不過你為什麼決定要當牧師呢？』
小明回答說﹕『反正我星期日必須上教會。與其坐著聽訓，還不如站在上面訓別人比較過癮。』
After church on Sunday morning, Little Johnny suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.
“That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a minister?”
“Well,” Little Johnny replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and get yelled at.”
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週日的講道冗長且沉悶，特別對於一個六歲的男孩而言，他好不容易才撐過去。
「牧師在週間做什麼呢？」在回家的路上，男孩問他的父親。
「噢，」父親回答，「他有很多事情要做。他整週都要與有困難的人協談，他要探訪有病通的人，主持葬禮和婚禮，寫教會的佈告。然後就是准備他的週日的證道，一項很困難的工作。」
「很困難的工作？證道？」
「是的，」父親回答，「他在證道上非常盡力。」
「嗯，聽他的證道也不是一件容易的事。」
The Sunday sermon was long and tedious, especially for the six year old boy, who squirmed through most of it.
“What does the pastor do the rest of the week,” the boy asked as he and his father headed home?”
“Oh,” his father responded, “he has plenty to do.” He counsels people with problems all week long, he visits the sick, conducts funerals and weddings writes the church bulletin. And then there’s a lot of hard work preparing his Sunday sermon.”
“Hard work? The Sermon?”
“Yeah,’ said the father, “he works hard on that sermon.”
“Well, listening to it ain’t easy either.”
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一個基督徒搬到一個純粹天主教的社區，為了做好的天主教徒，那些人都歡迎他搬進他們的社區，但是因為他們都是好的天主教徒，他們星期五晚上不吃紅肉，因此當這個基督徒鄰居在星期五晚上烤可口美味的牛排時，他們開始覺得不舒服。他們覺得很困擾，因此去找他談，談了許久之後，他們終於說服他變成一個天主教徒。
到下個星期的時候，他們去找神父，神父用聖水灑在他的身上說：「你生為基督徒，長為基督徒，但現在你是天主教徒。」
到下個星期五的時候，當這些天主教徒坐下來要吃魚的時候，他們又被隔壁傳來的牛肉香困擾，於是他們就想過去告訴那人天主教徒星期五是不能吃紅肉的，當他們看到他的時候，他正在把番茄醬灑在牛肉上說：「你生為牛，長為牛，但現在你是魚。」
A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic.
The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said, “You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic.” And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house.
They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying, “You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish.”
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我們正在找一位適合的牧師，以下的草稿紙是為了讓你們仔細閱讀而出的。這些候選人是由這個委員會調查研究而出，只有一個具備這些必要特質的人會被找到。這個名單包括這些候選人的名字，並且加以註釋。你應該會感興趣為了牧師候選人更進一步地調查研究他們。
約翰：他說他是一個施浸者，但不夠得體，而且穿著像嬉皮，他對教會愛餐感到不自在。
彼得：有壞脾氣，而且聽說他曾經否定基督。
保羅：我們發覺他不夠圓融，他太粗魯，他的外表粗俗，而且他的講道太長。
提摩太：他有潛力，但是他太過年輕，不適合這個職位。
耶穌：他的講道有時會冒犯會友，特別是聖經學者。他也太有爭議性。他所指出的問題甚至會冒犯聘牧委員會。
猶大：他似乎很實際，樂意合作，很會理財，關懷窮人，而且穿著得體。我們都同意他就是那一位我們正在尋找的主任牧師人選。
謝謝你們在聘牧事上給我們的所有協助。
聘牧委員會主席
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.
JOHN: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. He would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
PETER: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
PAUL: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, his appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
TIMOTHY: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
JESUS: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.
JUDAS: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Pastoral Search Committee Chairman
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三個男孩在學校校園裡自誇他們的父親，第一個男孩說：「我父親在一章紙上胡寫幾個字，他稱這是詩，他們就給他50塊美金。」
第二個男孩說：「那沒有什麼。我的父親在一章紙上亂寫，他稱這是歌。他們就給他100塊美金。」
第三個男孩說：「我打敗你們兩個。我的父親在一張紙上隨便寫，他稱這是講道。他要花八個人去收集所有的錢。」
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
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一張一美元的鈔票遇見一張20美元的鈔票並且說，「喂，你一直在哪兒呢？ 我很久都沒有在周圍看見你了。」
這20 元美鈔回答說，「我常常在娛樂場，豪華客輪並且周游世界，並且剛剛回到美國，又參加了兩場棒球比賽，再到商業區轉了一圈兒，就這些吧。 你怎么樣？」
一美元的鈔票說，「你知道，都是老地方︰ 教堂，教堂，教堂。 」
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”
The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”
The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff: church, church, church.”
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有一個人，他素行不良，常作壞事，可是每到禮拜天，他也會到教堂虔誠的禮拜神。
有一天牧師提醒他，不但要真心的敬拜神且要謹慎自己的言行舉止，才是神所喜悅的基督徒。他立即說：「每個禮拜天，我都到禮拜堂參加禮拜，也都有捐獻，難道不算是個基督徒？」
牧師回答說：「你以為每個禮拜天到禮拜堂坐一坐，你就會『變成』天使嗎？」
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美國葛理翰牧師是本世紀最知名、向最多人佈道的佈道家；雖已近八十高齡，仍馬不停蹄四處傳揚福音，因此廣受普世教會與基督徒們的景仰。有一次，一個信徒問葛理翰：「葛牧師，我知道你去過無數間教會，我最近想換教會，你能不能為我介紹一間你心目中最完美的教會。」葛理翰回答：「弟兄，這世上沒有最完美的教會，就算有，也會因為你的加入而變得不完全。」
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教會的三種逼迫
1) 外在的逼迫：來自國家、地方政府，或其他宗教團體。
2) 內在的逼迫：基督徒彼此鬥爭、互相逼迫。
3) 毫無逼迫：因為教會根本不值得逼迫，教會的價值觀和生活型態早已和不敬虔的社會融成一片；鹽已失去鹹味，被踐踏在社會腳下，根本沒有人會注意到它。（《改變世界的家》，148）
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Quotes引證 :
I can recall the time -- eighteen years ago, in May of 1950 -- when I first came out to Palo Alto, right after graduation from Dallas Seminary, and spoke for the first time to the little group that was meeting in the Community Center. I remember the story I used to introduce that message. It was of a stranger who was visiting a certain town and who stopped one of the natives and asked him where the churches were located. This fellow happened to be something of a wag, and he said, “Well, the Episcopal church is down by the theater, the synagogue is next to the bank, the Presbyterian church is over by the cemetery, the Methodist church is next to the golf course, and the Baptists are down by the river.” Ray Stedman
Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn’t belong.
Percentage of new church members who have come from another church: 80 (Leadership Summer 1992)
If I ever begin to feel like a minister, I’ll get out of the ministry. Joe Aldrich
A church built by the flesh and a church built by the Spirit can look the same. That’s scary. Joe Aldrich
You can tell how popular the church is by Sunday attendance, the pastor is by evening service and Jesus is by prayer meeting.
Tradition is the living faith of the dead and traditionalism is the dead faith of the living. Jarislav Pelican
A religion that gives nothing, costs nothing, and suffers nothing, is worth nothing. Martin Luther.
Of all bad men religious bad men are the worst. C.S. Lewis
Finding a church is not so much as finding the right one but avoiding the wrong ones. Art Lum
The church is not a club of saints; it is a hospital for sinners.
The Bank (of England) finds itself in a position rather like a church whose congregation attends weddings and burials but ignores the sermons. Mervyn King (Bank of England governor)
To love to preach is one thing, to love those to whom we preach is quite another. Richard Cecil
I trust I am not one who pounds because he can't expound. Vance Havener
Never think of giving up preaching! The angels around the throne envy you and your great work! Alexander Whyte
One proof of the inspiration of Scripture is that it has withstood so many years of poor preaching. A.T. Robertson
It is possible to be homiletically brilliant, verbally fluent, theologically profound, biblically orthodox and spirtually useless if we focus upon our gifts and abilities instead instead of the Giver of those gifts. G. Campbell Morgan
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