HAPPINESS 快樂
如果你想快樂一小時—打個盹。
如果你想快樂一天—釣尾魚。
如果你想快樂一個月—結場婚。
如果你想快樂一年—承繼一筆遺產。
如果你想快樂一輩子—幫助別人。
If you want happiness for an hour -- take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day -- go fishing.
If you want happiness for a month -- get married.
If you want happiness for a year -- inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime -- help someone else.
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如果你能夠贏得奧運獎牌，你會希望得到銀牌或是銅牌？
一個針對奧運獎牌得主所做的調查報告顯示意料之外的結果 。大多數的人會認為得到銀牌者會比銅牌得主來得快樂，因為較高之榮譽，其實並不然，第三位的銅牌得主要比第二位的銀牌得主來得快樂。那些獎牌得主解釋他們的感覺，第三位的銅牌得主覺得非常興奮，因為得到了一面獎牌；反而第二位的銀牌得主覺得像似一個失敗者，因為沒有得到第一名。
If you could win an Olympic medal, which would you prefer—the silver or the bronze? A study of Olympic medal winners produced some unexpected results. Most people would assume the silver medal winners would be happier than the bronze medalists since they received a higher honor, but that wasn’t the case. The bronze medalists, who came in third place, were found to be happier than the silver medalists, who finished in second place. The former Olympians explained how they felt about their medals. The third-place winners were thrilled just to have won a medal. The silver medalists, on the other hand, felt like losers because they didn’t come in first. Appleseeds.org
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有一位老婦人決定去從事一趟短程的鐵路之旅，通過一段特別美麗的鄉間景觀，她非常期待着這個從未有過的體驗。
上車後，她花了相當長的工夫方能坐定下來。首先，她找不到她的位置；然後又花了很長的時間整理了又整理行李架上她的籃子和包裹 ，直到好不容易都定了位，她又吃力地調整遮太陽的簾子，直到剛剛好。最後終於能好好坐定下來欣賞風景時，車掌喊叫着她該下車的站名，她只好下車了。
「 喔，天阿！早知如此快就到站，我就不會浪費了所有的時間去煩惱那些微不足道的小事。
An elderly lady decided to take a short railroad trip through an especially beautiful section of the country. It was to be her first experience of this kind, so she looked forward to it with great anticipation. After boarding the train, however, it took her quite a while to get settled. First she couldn’t find the right seat, then she spent a long time arranging and rearranging her baskets and parcels on the rack overhead. After they were finally in place, she took great pains to adjust the shade on the window until it was just right. When at last she was ready to sit back and enjoy the scenery, the conductor called out the name of her station and she had to get off the train. “Oh, my!” she lamented, “If I’d only known we would be here so soon, I wouldn’t have wasted all my time fussing about those little things that really weren’t important.”
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如何徹底地可悲：
1. 只想到你自己
2. 只談及你自己
3. 盡可能經常地說「我」
4. 不停在別人的意見中對號入座
5. 很希望聽到別人對你的看法
6. 期望得到讚賞
7. 猜疑別人
8. 妒忌和羨慕別人
9. 對別人的輕視很敏感
10. 對別人的批評心生不忿
11. 只相信自己
12. 堅持要別人的報酬和尊重
13. 要求別人同意你的一切看法
14. 生氣別人不感謝你所施的恩惠
15. 從不忘記每一次對別人的幫助
16. 為自己尋找好時機
17. 逃避責任
18. 為別人做得越少越好
19. 極度愛自己
20. 自私
How to Be Perfectly Miserable
1. Think about yourself.
2. Talk about yourself.
3. Use “I” as often as possible.
4. Mirror yourself continually in the opinion of others.
5. Listen greedily to what people say about you.
6. Expect to be appreciated.
7. Be suspicious.
8. Be jealous and envious.
9. Be sensitive to slights.
10. Never forgive a criticism
11. Trust no one but yourself.
12. Insist on consideration and respect.
13. Demand agreement with your own views on everything.
14. Sulk if people are not grateful to you for favors shown them.
15. Never forget a service you may have rendered.
16. Be on the lookout for a good time for yourself.
17. Shirk your duties if you can.
18. Do as little as possible for others.
19. Love yourself supremely.
20. Be selfish.
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馬丁路得有一次因為一些出錯的事件的發生，嚴重憂鬱了三天。第三天他的太太穿著悼喪的衣服走下樓來。『誰去世了嗎？』他問她。『神，』她回答。路得指責她，說，『妳是什麼意思，神死了？神不會死。』『嗯…』她回答道，『這幾天你所表現出來的行為讓我確定祂的確是死了』
Martin Luther once spent three days in a black depression over something that had gone wrong. On the third day his wife came downstairs dressed in mourning clothes. “Who’s dead?” he asked her. “God,” she replied. Luther rebuked her, saying, “What do you mean, God is dead? God cannot die.” “Well,” she replied, “the way you’ve been acting I was sure He had!”
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一位新來到天堂的報到者非常驚訝看到在主要的街道上有一個意見箱。這位天堂新鮮人轉向一位住了好一陣子的住戶，問他說，「如果在天堂裡，每一件事都很完美，而每一個人也都很快樂，為什麼還需要一個意見箱呢？」「因為有些人要是不抱怨的話，他就是沒辦法快樂。」
A new arrival in heaven was surprised to see a suggestion box along Main Street. The heavenly newbie turned to a more seasoned resident and asked, “If everything is perfect and everybody is happy in heaven, why is there a suggestion box?” “Because some people aren’t really happy unless they complain.”
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董氏基金會曾針對「大台北地區民眾對於憂鬱及憂鬱症的認知狀況調查」，結果顯示有53.4%的民眾曾經感到憂鬱，有22.3﹪的民眾平均一星期就有一次憂鬱的感覺，有26.1%的民眾平均一個月就會有一次憂鬱的感覺；而有31.5%的民眾每次憂鬱的感覺會持續至少一天，28.1%的受訪者則是每次憂鬱的感覺大約持續一個小時。
感到憂鬱時絕大多數的人採取找人聊天、聽音樂、睡覺等方式排解，至於感到憂鬱的原因，有51.3%的人是因為「人際互動」，不過也許是千禧年的影響，有43%的人感到憂鬱是因為「對未來的不確定感」。
感到憂鬱時，絕大多數(56.4%)還是會找朋友傾訴，告訴配偶的人則佔14.7%，值得注意的是有21.4%的人是「無人可說」，而憂鬱時會告訴輔導人員或是老師的，皆不超過2%。
董氏基金會針對102位憂鬱症患者的家屬調查顯示，有四成七(47.0%)的家屬認為照顧患者最困難的問題是「不知如何與患者溝通」，其次有三成九(39.2%)的家屬困難是「沒有時間照顧」，而也有三成六(36.3%)的家屬的困難為「對於憂鬱症瞭解不足」。
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董氏基金會曾針對「大台北地區民眾對於憂鬱及憂鬱症的認知狀況調查」，結果顯示有53.4%的民眾曾經感到憂鬱，有22.3﹪的民眾平均一星期就有一次憂鬱的感覺，有26.1%的民眾平均一個月就會有一次憂鬱的感覺；而有31.5%的民眾每次憂鬱的感覺會持續至少一天，28.1%的受訪者則是每次憂鬱的感覺大約持續一個小時。
感到憂鬱時絕大多數的人採取找人聊天、聽音樂、睡覺等方式排解，至於感到憂鬱的原因，有51.3%的人是因為「人際互動」，不過也許是千禧年的影響，有43%的人感到憂鬱是因為「對未來的不確定感」。
感到憂鬱時，絕大多數(56.4%)還是會找朋友傾訴，告訴配偶的人則佔14.7%，值得注意的是有21.4%的人是「無人可說」，而憂鬱時會告訴輔導人員或是老師的，皆不超過2%。
董氏基金會針對102位憂鬱症患者的家屬調查顯示，有四成七(47।0%)的家屬認為照顧患者最困難的問題是「不知如何與患者溝通」，其次有三成九(39.2%)的家屬困難是「沒有時間照顧」，而也有三成六(36.3%)的家屬的困難為「對於憂鬱症瞭解不足」。
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有人問希臘哲學家克利安第說「誰更富？」，他回答說「知足的人」，辛尼加常說「最大的財富，是在於無慾。改善我們物質狀況最好的方法，莫過於無需要。我們愈限制我們的需求，我們就愈自由。」
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Quotes引證 :
The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. Marcel Pagnol
The happiest people are those who have invested their time in others. The unhappiest people are those who wonder how the world is going to make them happy.
Better the good that is than the double good that was. Irish
Great joys make us love the world. Great sadnesses make us understand the world.
Kent Nerburn
If you want to be miserable think about yourself, about what you want, what you like, what respect people ought to pay you and what people think of you. Charles Kingsley
Whoever you are, there is some younger person who thinks you are perfect. There is some work that will never be done if you don’t do it. There is someone who would miss you if you were gone. There is a place that you alone can fill. Jacob M. Braude
When asked the secret of her joy and serenity, a grand, elderly woman replied, “I make the most of what comes and the least of what goes.
Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. Arthur Somers Roche
It is hard to say which is worse, the person who doesn’t know what he wants and won’t be happy until he gets it, or the one who knows what he wants and can’t get it.
If happiness truly consisted in physical ease and freedom from care, then the happiest individual would not be either a man or a woman; it would be, I think, an American cow. William Lyon Phelps
Success is when you get what you want. Happiness is when you want what you get.
If I spent as much time doing the things I worry about getting done as I do worrying about doing them, I wouldn’t have anything to worry about. Beryl Pfizer
Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it. Andy Rooney
Be content with your lot; one cannot be first in everything. Aesop
Joy is the ability to be happy in small ways.
A narrow mind is a terrible thing to use. Marshall Shelly
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. Agnes Repplier
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HEALTH & SICKNESS 健康疾病
英國女王訪問精神病院。工作人員給她看一位樣版病患，他負責照管一個美麗的花園，這個病患向女王解釋每種植物和其特殊的需要。在結束時他低聲告訴她，"這真是一個嚴重的誤會。我根本不應該在這裡。可以請妳把我弄出去嗎？"女王答應盡力為之。她又訪問了其他幾個幾個病患後，往出口走去。正要離開時，她的後腦勺被一個磚頭砸到，他轉頭一看，那位樣版病患向她吆喝："別忘了妳答應的事！"
The queen of England visited a mental asylum. The staff showed her the model inmate, who tended a beautiful garden and explained to her every plant and its special needs. At the end he whispered to her, “There has really been a terrible mistake made. I should not be in here. Can you please do something to get me out of here?” The queen promised to do what she could. She visited several more inmates, and then proceeded to the exit. As she was about to leave, she was hit in the back of her head with a brick, and when she turned around, the model inmate yelled at her, “Don’t forget your promise!”
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每天的男子走進雜貨店在午餐時間，可以買一大狗的食物，到街對面的一個公園的長凳上，吃狗吃的一湯匙。奇怪的是他的習慣，誰注意到了一個醫生經常穿過公園。
有一天，醫生走過來的人說：「你知道，那些東西是不是對你有好處。它可以殺死你。」
該名男子聳聳肩。 「我已經吃了20年的每一天。」
醫生多次警告，但無濟於事。一個月左右後，他發現該男子是不是在板凳上為一對夫婦的天行。另一個公園經常告訴他該名男子已死亡。
「我告訴他，狗食品會殺了他，」醫生說。 「這不是狗的食物，」那人說。 「他是死於交通，追車。」
Every day the man came into the grocery store at lunchtime, bought a big can of dog food, went across the street to a bench in the park, and ate the dog food with a spoon. His strange habit was noticed by a doctor who regularly walked through the park.
One day the doctor came up to the man and said, “You know, that stuff isn’t good for you. It can kill you.”
The man shrugged. “I’ve been eating it every day for twenty years.”
The doctor repeated the warning, but to no avail. A month or so later, he noticed the man wasn’t on the bench for a couple of days in a row. Another park regular told him the man had died.
“I told him that dog food would kill him,” the doctor said. “It wasn’t the dog food,” the man said. “He was killed in traffic while chasing a car.”
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一位年輕的傳道者，擁有一個得天獨厚的恩賜，就是神透過他展現了祂的權能，他醫治一個坐在第三排的一個瞎子，使他看得見。接著，他醫治一個耳聾的女人，也使一個跛腳的女子，能扔掉她的拐杖行走。當時正在觀看的人群見到後便發狂。
該神醫後來接近一個人，他的手臂受傷，只用他的脖子來支撐。那傳道人對那人說“讓我醫治你的手！”那人因不信，便發出噓聲。但當那傳道人開始提高他的手臂時，該男子得了醫治，之後很興奮地跳起來。
A young evangelist, blessed with the gift of healing, worked his way down the aisle of a revival. In the third row, he demonstrated his powers by making a blind man see. Next, he made a deaf woman hear, then caused a lame woman to throw away her crutches and walk. The crowd went wild.
The faith healer reached the back row, approaching a man with a cast on his arm and his neck in a brace. As the preacher began to raise his arms, the man jumped up and stumbled backward.
“Keep your hands off me, preacher!” the man hissed. “I’m on workman’s comp.” (Argus Hamilton, L. A. Times 9/20/94)
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied. “ The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”
“What did you say?” questioned the artist.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
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兩名社工穿過一個粗略的一部分，城市的夜晚。他們聽到呻吟聲和無聲的呼喊求救從一小巷。經調查，他們發現了處於半昏迷狀態的人在一池的血。 「請幫助我，我一直在和惡毒毆打搶劫。」他懇求道。兩位社工轉身走開了。一位同事對她說：「你知道的人，這樣做確實需要幫助。」
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. “Help me, I’ve been mugged and viciously beaten.” he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, “You know the person that did this really needs help.”
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我到「主的診所」做例行性體檢，被證實生病了。很明顯，耶穌就是那裡的醫生。當耶穌幫我量血壓時，他看見我的溫柔指數很低。當他測我的體溫時，我的焦慮指數40 度，
；他幫我做心電圖時，發現我需要做幾個「愛」的繞道手術，因為我的動脈已被寂寞阻塞，無法讓愛再進入心臟；我也去骨科檢查，發現自從我容許忌妒來折傷我的骨頭後，我就無法陪伴我的弟兄走天路，也無法擁抱我的朋友們了；耶穌醫生也查出我有近視，因為我看不見兄弟姐妹缺點背後的優點。
我抱怨自己失去聽力，診斷的結果是因我已停止每天聆聽耶穌的聲音。為所有這一切，耶穌給我免費諮詢。多虧了他的憐憫，我承諾一旦我離開了這個診所，我只使用藉著祂話語所提供的自然療法。
每天早晨，喝一大杯的感恩。工作時，喝一湯匙和平。每小時服用一顆耐心丸，一杯兄弟情誼之茶，和一杯謙虛飲料。回家後，服下一粒愛心丸。睡覺時，吃兩顆良心清潔藥錠。不要陷入今天的悲傷或絕望，因為神知道你的感受...，此時此刻上帝完全了解什麼是被允許發生在你的生活的事，因為上帝的目的是完全美善的。他願意教你如何正確活在現今的光景中，以及如何安然自處於現在的困難中。
I went to The Lord’s Clinic to have my routine check-up and I was confirmed I was ill. Apparently, Jesus was the Medical officer. When Jesus took my blood pressure, He saw I was low in TENDERNESS. When He read my temperature, the thermometer registered 40 Degree of Anxiety He ran an electro-cardiogram and found that I needed several ‘LOVE bypasses’ since my arteries were blocked with loneliness and could not provide for an empty heart I went to Orthopedics, because I could not walk by my brother’s side and I could not hug my friends, since I had fractured myself when tripping with envy. He also found I was short-sighted, since I could not see beyond the shortcomings of my brothers and sisters.
When I complained about deafness, the diagnostic was that I had stopped listening to Jesus’ voice talking to me on a daily basis. For all of that, Jesus gave me a free consultation. Thanks to his mercy, so my pledge is once I leave this Clinic, only take the natural remedies He prescribed through His words of truth.
Every morning, take a full glass of gratitude. When Getting to work, take a spoon of peace. Every hour, take one pill of patience, one cup of brotherhood and one glass of humility. When getting home, take one dose of LOVE. When getting to bed, take 2 caplets of clear conscience. Do NOT give in to sadness or desperation for what you are going through today. God knows how you feel...God Knows exactly and with perfection what is being allowed to happen to you in your life at this precise moment. God’s purpose for you is simply perfect. He wants to show you things that only you can understand by living what you are living and by being in the place you are now.
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兩頭牛是站在一個領域。
有人對其他說：「你是擔心瘋牛病？」
另外一個說：「不，這並不令我擔心，我是一隻馬！」
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other “Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?”
The other one says “No, It doesn’t worry me, I’m a horse!”
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一名男子去看醫生，因為他患重感冒。醫生開了些藥，但並沒有幫助。
他再次去看這位醫生，醫生給他打了一針，但是仍沒有任何好轉。
他第三次就診，醫生告訴他回家洗個熱水澡，洗完澡後要打開所有窗戶，而且站在通風口。男子抗議："如果我這麼做，我會得肺炎。
他的私人醫生說："我知道，但我會治療肺炎。"
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.
“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”
“I know,” said his physician. “I can cure pneumonia.”
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醉漢身上散發出的氣味像一家啤酒廠，他上了一輛公車上。坐在一位神職人員旁邊。醉漢的襯衫髒兮兮的，他的臉上佈滿了紅色的唇膏，半瓶酒插在他的口袋裡。他打開他的報紙開始讀---幾分鐘後，他問身邊的人，"神父，是什麼導致關節炎的"？
"先生，是放蕩的生活，和壞女人在一起，過量的酒精，和蔑視你的伙伴"。
"哇！真要命！"(與「我會被咒詛」同字)，醉漢喃喃自語道，又回到宣讀論文。
牧師，思考他所說的話的人轉身道了歉。"很抱歉，我不是故意說得那麼強烈的---你得關節炎多久了？"
"噢！不是我，神父，是我剛讀到教皇得了關節炎。
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, “Father what causes arthritis”?
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women,too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man”.
“Well I’ll be damned”, the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis”?
“I don’t, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it.”
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有一個人在做身體檢查的時候顯得有點焦慮不安，醫生就問他到底什麼事使他覺得不安？「醫生，我老實告訴你」，這病人靦腆地說：「我老是忘東忘西的，事實上比這更糟糕。我從來不記得我的車子停在那裡？或到底回了人家的信沒有？或我要到那裡去？或著我到了那裡以後，到底要做什麼？」病人繼續地說。「所以，醫生，我急需你的幫忙。」病人說，「我到了這地步，你要我能做什麼？」病人問。醫生沉默了一陣子，然後用他最溫和的聲音說：「你最好先付錢，我們再談怎麼治療」。
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.”Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, “Pay me in advance.”
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一個人走進一家小小的商店時， 他注意到在玻璃門上有著一個標示說， 「危險! 小心有狗！」 到了裡面， 他看到一隻沒有威脅的老獵犬睡在收銀機的旁邊。「這就是那隻我應當要小心的狗嗎?」 他問店主。 「是， 就是牠。」 店主回答。 那個人就非常好奇地說， 「在我來看， 牠根本不像是一隻有危險的狗。 為什麼你要掛上那個標示？「因為，」 那店主解釋， 「之前沒有掛標示前， 人常常會被牠絆倒。」
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.
“Yep, that's him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. “That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
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有一貨車司機送貨到精神病院，當貨物全部卸完之後，發現爆了一個輪胎，司機只好拿出預備胎更換。巧的是，當司機使力的更換輪胎時，不小心，把所拆下來的四顆固定輪胎之螺絲帽，掉到湍急的水溝裡。司機見狀，隨即放下工作，進行打撈。但再怎麼打撈，還是沒有四顆螺絲帽的下落。無奈之餘，只好愣在一旁，不知如何是好！此時，正好有一精神病患經過，見到司機呆坐在地上，便好奇的問他說：「運匠，你怎麼了，為何坐在車子底下？」司機見到問話的人是精神病患，本不以為意，但想一想，反正閒來無事，就把事情的經過告訴他。精神病患聽完之後，隨即告訴貨車司機：「這麼簡單的事也沒辦法解決，難怪你只能當貨車司機。你只要把剩下的三個輪胎的螺絲帽各拆一個下來，把它裝到第四個輪胎上，然後慢慢的開到最近的修車廠，再補上剩下的螺絲帽不就可以了。」司機聽完之後，不禁驚訝的讚嘆道：「你這麼聰明，為何會住在精神病院？」聽到這樣的問題，精神病患馬上回答說：「你不要看我普普（不怎麼樣）的，我住在這裡，是因為我有精神病，而不是因為我笨！」
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有一位老財主因為急性心臟病而逝世，當他來到耶穌前時就大發牢騷，埋怨說：「全能的主阿！今天你叫我回來，我一點也不埋怨你，我甘心順服；但有一件事，我無法諒解，為什麼叫我回來以前，不先給我一個通知？叫我好有心理準備，對後代也可以有個交待阿！」主溫柔回答他說：「我曾寫了三封信給你，提醒你預備好回天家阿！」財主很驚訝的回答說：「主，沒有阿！我絕對沒收到。」主說：「你注意聽，第一封信是我讓你腰酸背病；第二封信是你的頭髮開始斑白；第三封信是你的牙齒逐漸脫落。這些都是提醒你快回天家的信號阿！怎麼說我沒有通知你呢？」
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在托爾斯泰的寓言故事中，有許多發人深省的好故事，＜生活的信條＞就是其中之一，故事中描寫了「天使的三個微笑」。這是一個很有意思的故事，其中天使的「第二個微笑」，我想可以幫助我們對生命的看法。
在一個寒冷的冬夜裡，一對鞋匠夫婦收容了一個倒在雪地的年輕人，並且教他做鞋子和修補的技巧，他有一雙巧手，做的鞋子堅固耐穿又美觀。自此以後，鞋店生意越來越興隆，鞋匠夫婦的生活也越來越舒適，他們十分感激這位陌生人的幫助。
有一天，一輛豪華的馬車在鞋店的門口停了下來，小鎮上最有錢的人走進店裡，丟給鞋匠一塊皮革，不可一世地說：「這是一塊上好的小牛皮，我要你幫我作一雙長統馬靴，要堅固的，你要給我保證能夠穿一年！」奇怪的，年輕人看到了富翁，臉上竟然出現了笑容。 富翁走了之後，鞋匠把牛皮交給了年輕人，不到一刻鐘的時間，年輕人裁好了樣式，鞋匠接過去一看，天啊！那是一雙短靴的格式！「我，我不是告訴你要作一雙長統的靴子嗎？結果你竟然。.....我的天啊！你要我怎麼賠給人家？」
就在這個時候，富翁的僕人氣喘吁吁地跑回來，大聲嚷嚷：「不用做了！方才在回家的路上，因為馬車失去了控制，我家主人跌出了車外，當場死亡。所以他的家人想要求你改做短靴，才好當他的陪葬品。」 匆匆的六年過去了，有一天，年輕人對鞋匠說，這也是他頭一遭開口：「我要走了。因為我是一個天使，來自天上。因為上帝認為我根本不了解人類，不知道他們心裡有什麼，上天將給他們什麼。所以，祂要我到人間尋找這些問題的答案！」
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有一位精神科醫生在替一位常幻想自己是貓的病人看病時，醫生問：「你以為自己是貓，大概是從什麼時候開始？」病人：「當我還是隻小貓時……」
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Quotes引證 :
20% of the population accounts for 80% of overall health spending. Paul Fronstin
It is not good for all your wishes to be fulfilled. Through sickness you recognize the value of health, through evil the value of good, through hunger satisfaction, through exertion the value of rest. Heraclitus
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HEAVEN & HELL 天堂地獄
一位富裕的女人夢見她去了天堂，看到正在建造一座大廈。"那是給誰蓋的？"她問嚮導。"妳的園丁。""但他在世時住在一個幾乎容不下他的家人、非常小的農舍裡。如果他沒有把錢給那麼多活在痛苦中的可憐人的話，他可以過得更好的。" 她看見更遠的地方正在蓋一棟小房子。"那是為誰蓋的？"她問。"就是妳"。"可是我在世上時是住大廈的啊！我不知道怎樣住在一間小屋子裡。"她聽到一句意義深遠的話："那位營造大師正在用「積財在天」的材料建造最好的房子。"
A rich woman dreamed that she went to heaven and saw there a mansion being built. “Who is that for?” she asked of the guide. “For your gardener.” “But he lives in the tiniest cottage on earth with barely room enough for his family. He might live better if he did not give so much to the miserable, poor folk.” Farther on she saw a tiny cottage being built. “And who is that for?” she asked. “That is for you.” “But I have lived in a mansion on earth. I would not know how to live in a cottage.” The words she heard in reply were full of meaning: “The Master Builder is doing His best with the material that is being sent up.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 980)
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The story is told of a blind tortoise which lived in a well. Another tortoise, a native of the ocean, in its inland travels happened to tumble into this well. The blind one asked of his new comrade whence he came. “From the sea,” was the response. Hearing of the sea, the tortoise swam round a little circle and asked, “Is the water of the ocean as large as this?” “Larger,” replied he of the sea. The first tortoise then swam round two-thirds of the well and asked if the sea was as big as that. “Much larger than that,” said the sea tortoise. “Well, then,” asked the blind tortoise, “is the sea as large as this whole well?” “Larger,” said the sea tortoise. “If that is so,” said the other, “how big then is the sea?” The sea tortoise replied, “You only know about the water in your well. Your capability of understanding is small. As to the ocean, though you spent many years in it, you would never be able to explore the half of it, nor to reach the limit, and it is utterly impossible to compare it with this well of yours.” The tortoise replied, “It is impossible there can be a larger body of water than this well; you are simply praising your native place in boastful words.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 430)
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有人說得很好：「在三件事情我將來在天上是不知道的：第一，我不知道有多少人我是肯定認識的：第二，我會發現有很多人，但我相信我會找不到我認識的，但最後，也是最美好，就是其實有我自己在那裡。」
Someone has very well said: “At three things I shall wonder in heaven: first, that I shall not find many there of whom I was certain; second, that I shall find many there whom I was sure I wouldn't find; but lastly, and most wonderful of all, that I am actually there myself.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 353)
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一個星期天，牧師傳講有關天堂的道。第二天早上，當他進城時，他遇到了一位富有的會友。這個人停下來跟牧師說：牧師，你天堂的道講得真好，但你並沒有告訴我天堂在哪裡。"啊，"牧師說 "很高興今天早上有這樣的機會。我剛從山上下來，那邊的村舍有我們教會的會友。她是一個寡婦，有兩個小孩。她生病躺在床上，兩個孩子也生病躺在另一張床上。她家裡甚麼都缺— — 沒有煤、沒有麵包、沒有肉，也沒有牛奶。如果你買一些食物，並去到他們家，對她說：我的姊妹，我奉主耶穌的名代這些東西來，然後借她的聖經， 讀詩篇第二十三篇，讀完跪下祈禱 — — 如果您還看不到天堂，我會支付你的帳單。"第二天早上那人說，"牧師，我看見了天堂，並且在那裏待了十五分鐘。你不必付任何帳單！
One Sunday, a minister preached a sermon about heaven. Next morning, as he was going to town, he met one of his wealthy members. This man stopped the preacher and said, “Pastor, you preached a good sermon on heaven, but you didn't tell me where heaven is.” “Ah,” said the preacher, “I am glad of the opportunity this morning. I have just returned from the hilltop up there. In that cottage there is a member of our church. She is a widow with two little children. She is sick in one bed and her two children are sick in the other bed. She doesn't have anything in the house—no coal, no bread, no meat, and no milk. If you buy a few groceries and go there yourself and say, 'My sister, I have brought these provisions in the name of the Lord Jesus,' ask for a Bible, read the Twenty-third Psalm, and then go down on your knees and pray—if you don't see heaven before you get through, I'll pay the bill.” The next morning the man said, “Pastor, I saw heaven and spent fifteen minutes there. There's no bill for you to pay.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 357)
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“Oh, you preachers make me sick!” a fellow said to a witnessing Christian on the train one day. The Christian assured him he was not a preacher. “I don't care what you are. You Christians are always talking about a man going to hell because Adam sinned.” “No,” the Christian said, “you need not go to hell because Adam sinned. You will go to hell because you refuse the remedy provided for Adam's sin. Don't keep complaining about something that has absolutely been taken care of. If you go to hell, you will go over the broken body of Jesus Christ, who died to keep you out.” (from Illustrations of Bible Truths # 361)
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One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven”, said St Peter. “Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we’ve never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you”. “No problem, just let me in,” said the woman. “Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.” “Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules... “ And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. “So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity,” he said. The woman replied: “Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting, today you’re staff...”
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Jake, Johnny, and Billy died and went to heaven.
“Welcome,” St. Peter said. “You’ll be very happy here if you just obey our rule: never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, they all start quacking and it makes a terrible racket.”
That sounded simple enough until they past the Pearly Gates and found thousands of ducks everywhere. Jake stepped on one right away. The ducks quacked, making an unholy racket, and St. Peter came up to Jake bringing with him a ferocious-looking Amazon woman.
“I warned you if you broke the rule you’d be punished,” St. Peter said. Then he chained the Amazon woman to Jake for eternity.
Several hours later, Johnny stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, they all quacked, and St. Peter stepped up to Johnny with an angry-looking, shrewish woman.
“As your punishment,” St. Peter told Johnny, “you’ll be chained to this woman for eternity.”
Billy was extremely careful not to step on a duck. Several months went by. Then St. Peter came up to him with a gorgeous blonde and chained her to Billy, uniting them for all time.
“Wow!” exclaimed Billy. “I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
“I don’t know about you,” said the beautiful woman, “but I stepped on a duck.”
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一位虔誠的基督徒，有人問他是否期待著他永遠安息在天堂。 「誰說什麼什麼休息？」他回答。 「當我在另一邊，我問的第一個問題是：'師父，什麼是我的下一個任務？」
A faithful Christian was asked if he was looking forward to his eternal rest in heaven. “Who said anything about rest?” he responded. “When I get on the other side, the first question I ask will be: ‘Master, what’s my next task?’”
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聖彼得在天堂門口，對一位男士說﹕『你必須累積100點才能進天堂。你告訴我曾經作過什麼好事，我會根據善行告訴你每一項的點數。當你達到100點的時候，就可以進去。』
『好吧，』這位男士說．『我與同一個女人結婚50年，從來沒有偷情過，連念頭都沒有過。』聖彼得說﹕『很好，這一項值3點。』
『才3點呵？』他說﹕『我一生有恆心地去教會，並且以事奉和十一奉獻支持各樣事工。』聖彼得說﹕『太好了，這項值1點。』
『才1點？真是的！還有我為居住的城市設立了一間食物供應站，我在游民收容所裏服事。』『棒極了，這項為你再加2點，』
『2點！！』男士哭起來了，『按你的計算方法，要想進天堂只有靠神的恩典了。』『請進！！』
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, “Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”
“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”
“That's wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that's worth three points!”
“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life, and I supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”
“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that's certainly worth a point.”
“One point? Golly. How about this; I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”
“Fantastic, that's good for two more points,” he says.
“TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate, the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God!”
To this, St. Peter responds, “Come on in!”
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一個老人知道自己在世的日子不多，在他過世以前，他想知道天堂與地獄各是什麼樣的情況，於是他去請教村中一個智者：「請告訴我天堂與地獄的情景。」智者回答說：「跟我來，我帶你去看。」 他們兩人走了一段很長的路，直到他們來到一座大房子前面。智者帶老人進去，他們看見一間很大的飯廳，大大的飯桌上，山珍海味，目不暇給。飯桌的四周坐了許多人，卻都是面黃飢瘦。他們每人拿著一雙十二尺長的筷子，每當他們要吃時，東西就從筷子上掉下來。 老人一看，說：「這必定是地獄。請再帶我去看天堂。」智者說：「好，再跟我來。」 他們兩人走出那個房子，繼續向前走，直到他們又來到另一座大房子之前。同樣的，這座房子裡有個大飯廳。大大的飯桌上也是山珍海味，目不暇給。飯桌四周也是坐了許多人，也是每人拿著一雙十二尺長的筷子，但他們卻都面色紅潤，快樂安詳。 「這是怎麼回事？」老人問道。「這些人也是用十二尺長的筷子，
但每個人都吃得飽飽的。」 智者回答說：「在天堂裡人人餵養對方。」
賴諾曼，《夫妻與主同行》，台福傳播中心，蒙允刊登
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Quotes引證 :
Heaven: “It’s where girls get turned into angels and then God tries the best to do He can for the boys.”
When I get to heaven, I shall see three wonders there. The first wonder will be to see many there whom I did not expect to see; the second wonder will be to miss many people who I did expect to see; and the third and greatest of all will be to find myself there. John Newton
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